SuburbanAdventure

I received an offer today in the mail to insure our family dog, Max.  I called in to get a quote and went into actuary mode.
Me: What’s the monthly premium for an 4-year old All-American (PC term for mutt bastard child)?
CSR: Does your pet have any existing problems?
Me: He doesn’t know what leg to raise [...]

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I learned something today-
Joe: Tell me when to turn.
Anthony: Okay, coming up here, turn left.
Joe: Okay.
Anthony: Left
Joe: I’m turning left
Anthony: No, LEFT!
Joe: I’M TURNING LEFT!!!
Anthony: Oh, dear, I meant right.  Don’t tell anyone about this.
Joe, good job for taking the high road and not telling anyone.

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The Order of the Arrow is the BSA’s totally non-secret *wink* organization to promote camping *nudge* where folks go through an “ordeal” to see if they hot shit.  In reality, it’s a day where we talk hormone enraged 12-16 year olds (mostly) and tell them to shut up, not eat, work hard, and sleep outside.  [...]

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A new person started in the mailroom at work and had to distribute the packages to the 2nd floor.  He dropped something off and asked me where the next person on his list was.  I directed him to the proper office, he thanked me for being the first helpful person and 10 minutes later the [...]

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Day after food shopping usually means cleaning the fridge, today was no exception.
Things found in fridge that were removed-
Rice pudding made of butterscotch, 1/2 and 1/2, day old rice and raisins in vanilla pudding mix
A deer steak marked best purchased by 04/01/07
1/2 and 1/2 container which now held yogurt
Yogurt container that now held penicillin
Pencillin container [...]

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No trashbags left, time to go food shopping!  How was I rewarded for my vigilance? Inebriate bimbo check-out agent!  I begin loading the belt and she simply stares at me, like a cow at an oncoming train.  She eventually began bagging while talking to the counter person next to her.  She’d scan 3 items, stop, [...]

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My company makes taint-wipes!  Sure they’re called perineum cleansing towels but c’mon that’s a taint-wipe where I come from.  Sadly, there’s no cool name or slogan.  I wish to fix this:
Taintlettes: Because shitting while doing a handstand sounded good at the time.
Neum-naps: Because you’re not sure where it came from.
Taint-towels: Because your spatch is too [...]

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I had the world’s most gut-wrenching fortune cookie.  Normally, that’d be unexceptional as I’d feed it to my dog.  But it contained an amazing fortune “you will stand over your foes on the battlefields of tomorrow”. Sun-Tzu couldn’t come up with that.  And as is common knowledge, the fortune is null and void if the [...]

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At a evening snack with Dave, a tablemate was mentioning obscure TV stars she’d seen at NYU.  She seemed unimpressed that I had seen Ralph Lauren.
Me: I saw Ralph Lauren.
Her: I live in New York, I’ll see someone better.
Me: Exactly, me seeing Ralph Lauren in Philly could only be beat in comparison by you seeing [...]

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I was drugged today for the 3rd time in two years.  Chuck wanted to use the hot-tub and I wouldn’t let him so knowing I’d had a long and tiring day he offered me a delicious cheesecake.  I consumed and was quickly driven into a delicious sleep.  I awoke hours later to Chuck returning to [...]

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