Coworker: Terry, I’ve been depressed lately.
Me: Bullshit, you’re sad. Stop abusing words.
Coworker: I’m sad, how do you overcome sadness.
Me: Unmitigated Egotism. Sometimes arrogance.
Coworker: Can you teach me to be arrogant.
Me: *Sharp Inhale* Are you willing to treat people like crap based on fleeting interactions?
Me: Are you willing to put your self on the line by making fantastic claims that you couldn’t support but the listener couldn’t understand?
Me: Are you willing to make your family feel like Barbie Dolls inhabiting your Malibu Dream house?
Me: Let us begin.
—Hours of Arrogance Training Later—
Me: So, despite not being me and therefore being inferior, what has your piddling brain grabbed.
- Superficial failings reflect deep personal inadequacies and these failings should be loudly and continually compared to one’s skills so the peon can learn from you.
- In that I’m better than everyone, all attributes I don’t possess are unnecessary and possibly even dangerous despite social and scientific evidence to the contrary.
- My shifting priorities are not a sign of inconsistency but of my ever expanding and superior understanding of the cosmos.
- Accepting an offer of help would allow someone to obscure my radiance during my eventual triumph. Aid must be either unmarked or untraceable for it to be accepted.
Me: Not bad. I would have phrased it far better but it’s a start. You have much Ayn Rand to misread.