During my newly discovered free time, I started baking again. I needed to work my way back in slowly so I started with a chocolate chip cake mix and entered a paroxysmal rage upon seeing the stupidly specific ingredients recommended.
Organic Eggs: Normal eggs will cause you to become pregnant if you consume them when mixed with whole wheat flour and sugar sprinkles.
Hershey’s Chocolate: If you don’t make these cookies with our chocolate the cookies will die a horrible death and the Hershey people will mug your sister.
I’d much prefer they did the exact opposite and replaced “3 medium sized eggs” with “375 grams of unfertilized avian ovum” and 1 cup refined sugar with “400 grams of various disaccharides”.