I was happy to find that Chicago’s extravagant food hadn’t affected my waist line as much as I thought so in victory I put on the new pair of paints a size smaller than I normally wear and smiled confidently as I brought them through my normal range of standing motion. The waist was comfortable and the legs had enough space as I did a few kicks and steps. I ended with a pants-testing maneuver I call “The Crucible” where I squat down and then lean forward as if grabbing something from the floor. About 1/2 way through this maneuver a tear propagated like a lightning bolt from crotch to knee with an almost Marvel Comic-esque “RIIIP” noise. Barring kevlar pants, I shall remain at my current pants size.