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This is a public service post. I promised I’d make a baked good for a get together tomorrow and got around to it very late. Normally, I’d make a cake or something but with how short a time I had left, I grabbed a box of brownie that I keep on hand for such occasions and got to work. Do I feel bad doing this? Somewhat, I’ve made brownies from scratch, but I try to make them my own.

Making Your Brownies Better

  • Insert Butter – Chances are, if the recipe calls for both oil and water, you can substitute butter in. 10 oz of butter cuts out 8 oz of oil and 2 oz of water. The brownie batter I use calls for a cup of oil (8 oz) and 4 tablespoons (2 oz) of water. I replace this with 2.5 sticks of unsalted butter. Why? Butter tastes better and I think has a superior crumb. The mouth feel isn’t quite the same, though.
  • Make it Mexican – Add a teaspoon of cinnamon and a 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. Mexican brownies!
  • Jam something else on top – When not quite done, topping with crushed Oreos, pecans, or something else can improve things. People like caramel syrups and can’t generally tell the difference between the stuff from a bottle and the stuff I (rarely) painstakingly make on the stove top.
    Note: Brownies do not take to most fruit toppings well. Stick with a drizzle or the sweetness becomes overbearing.
  • Underbake It – Shave 10-15% off the baking time to make things a spot gooier. Dry brownies are high calorie chocolate saw dust.
  • Vary the egg count – If you replace an egg with 2 whites, you’ll get a chewier brownie. If you replace an egg with 2 yolks, you’ll get a creamier and richer taste. If you replace 2 eggs with 2 yolks and 2 whites, you’re an idiot.

I’ve done all the above to great success.

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I chose brownies as my baked good of the week for my return to active employment and sent out my standard 15 recipient email to say they were in.  Later that day, there was still some brownie remaining when I saw a coworker return to his work station with a Doritos grab bag.

Me: Didn’t like the brownies?
Coworker: They’re great, but I didn’t want something as calorie dense.
Me: I think a home-made brownie will stack up well against that chip bag.  *look at nutrition information* I think this bag of chips has as many calories in it as a 2″ x 2″ piece of brownie.
Coworker: Oh, I didn’t know they were that close.  Hey <other coworker>, did you hear what Terry said?  They’re not that bad for you.
Coworker #2 Whose Mouth was Full of Brownie: That’s a plus.

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The “smash brownie” phase has drawn to an end where I’d take one foodstuff and shove it onto a brownie.  This included:

  • Crackerjack brownies
  • Butterfingers brownies
  • Granola brownies
  • Cookie brownies

I tried to make s’more brownies today which consisted of brownies covered in chocolate covered in marshmallows covered in graham crackers.  The idea seemed reasonable and I took the brownie out at the 2/3 way point to add the marshmallows and graham crackers.   I tried a piece when all was done and I’m glad I use Eggbeaters which aren’t subject to salmonella.  The top parts were perfect, though, so I thought I’d just pop it back in for 15 minutes or so and finish the bottom.  No dice.  I was afraid of overcooking the marshmallows so I decided to try to finish the brownie portion on the oven top.  The pile eventually finished such that the brownie came out like fudge cream but the marshmallows could remove bridgework.  A coworker described it as one of the tastiest choking hazards he’d ever had and another said it was a reminder that he’d need to visit his dentist.

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I ran short on time to prepare Monday baked goods for work and was forced to use the boxed stuff.  I felt dirty at first and compromised by using the box brownie mix in a novel way.  I’d switch from oil to butter, add water and make cookies instead of brownies.  I even had a packet of caramel to add to the top to make them look like those adorable (type of cookie where there’s stuff in the center) that everyone likes.  I made thumb depressions in the cookie blanks, added the caramel, threw it in the oven at 350°F for 14 minutes and celebrated my victory by going to town on the beaters.

I pulled them from the oven left them to cool for an hour and came back to…. donuts.   Apparently, the caramel prevented the centers from cooking and with additional weight of the sauce the centers dropped through the grating of the cooling rack.  So, tomorrow I will go to work with not one but two goodies.  First, the donut cookies with their hole slightly creamed with caramel, and second the slightly under cooked centers that I’ve come to call caramel hats.

Stupid like a fox.

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The brownie as a tool of office diplomacy has long been in my arsenal.  I missed two days of work without appropriately notifying my bosses and the last hints of angst were dismissed over a week-old brownie created during the Great Guest Exodus of New Years Eve.  But the brownie can be used for a more sinister purpose, intimidation.

Me: Would you like a piece?
Coworker: Sure, I’ll take a piece.
Me: Oh, that’s it.  I thought you’d said you’d take a piece. Not a crumb.
Coworker: Hey, I just had lunch.
Me: And you need a quality confection to top it off.  The portion you took is like a shot of beer, insulting to the drinker and the bartender.
Coworker:  Ok…. I’ll be back later to get the rest.
Me: No! You’ll be back now to get the rest.  Get in there, and take a slice.

Me: Would you like a piece?
Coworker: Yes, I’d love some, thank you.  I really like brownies.
Me: Oh, so that’s how you show your love?  With what appears to be a portion the size of mice leavings?
Coworker: I just started a new diet.
Me:  The first three letters tell you all you need to know “DIE”.  Are you trying to kill your tastebuds?
Coworker: I’ll try more.
Me:  Try?  Do or do not.  There is no try.
Coworker: Ok…. *cuts larger slice*
Me: I’m going to check back with you later to see if you finished it.

Who new baked goods could be such precise tools of demasculation?  Next week: Decimating self image with coffee crumb lemon bars.

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The brownie as a tool of office diplomacy has long been in my arsenal.  I missed two days of work without appropriately notifying my bosses and the last hints of angst were dismissed over a week-old brownie created during the Great Guest Exodus of New Years Eve.  But the brownie can be used for a more sinister purpose, intimidation.

Me: Would you like a piece?
Coworker: Sure, I’ll take a piece.
Me: Oh, that’s it.  I thought you’d said you’d take a piece. Not a crumb.
Coworker: Hey, I just had lunch.
Me: And you need a quality confection to top it off.  The portion you took is like a shot of beer, insulting to the drinker and the bartender.
Coworker:  Ok…. I’ll be back later to get the rest.
Me: No! You’ll be back now to get the rest.  Get in there, and take a slice.

Me: Would you like a piece?
Coworker: Yes, I’d love some, thank you.  I really like brownies.
Me: Oh, so that’s how you show your love?  With what appears to be a portion the size of mice leavings?
Coworker: I just started a new diet.
Me:  The first three letters tell you all you need to know “DIE”.  Are you trying to kill your tastebuds?
Coworker: I’ll try more.
Me:  Try?  Do or do not.  There is no try.
Coworker: Ok…. *cuts larger slice*
Me: I’m going to check back with you later to see if you finished it.

Who new baked goods could be such precise tools of demasculation?  Next week: Decimating self image with coffee crumb lemon bars.

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Every January 1st, I take all my cast iron cookware and season each piece.  Using kosher salt and a pair of tongs I do an initial clean of each piece and use a light detergent and air dry if necessary.  I then heat each piece to slightly hot, slather it in vegetable shortening and put it upside down in the oven on rocket hot (500+ degrees) over a jelly roll pan for an hour or two.  Two rounds covers my two dutch ovens, griddle and three skillets and all in all takes about 6 hours including a nacho run (it’s the new year, one should celebrate).  To not burn myself, I let the pieces cool down for about 45 minutes before handling and then I air cool until the piece hits room temperature.

Around 5 PM, my brother determined that he wanted to bake brownies NOW because his girlfriend wanted them and I told him I was in the middle of this process.  He told me to take the pieces out and I laughed because even the best oven mitts have trouble with 500 degree iron for more than an instant as the pressure on the hand by the metal quickly overcomes even impressive insulators.  He thought himself man enough to take them and I left to get a drink.  I could make out his cry of pain and the crash as the skillet collided with the oven door (he didn’t think to pull out the oven rack rather than just pulling out each piece) and I saw him get into his car and drive away.  Later I went down to check on the iron’s cooling when he returned with a box of Entenmann’s in hand.

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Every January 1st, I take all my cast iron cookware and season each piece.  Using kosher salt and a pair of tongs I do an initial clean of each piece and use a light detergent and air dry if necessary.  I then heat each piece to slightly hot, slather it in vegetable shortening and put it upside down in the oven on rocket hot (500+ degrees) over a jelly roll pan for an hour or two.  Two rounds covers my two dutch ovens, griddle and three skillets and all in all takes about 6 hours including a nacho run (it’s the new year, one should celebrate).  To not burn myself, I let the pieces cool down for about 45 minutes before handling and then I air cool until the piece hits room temperature.

Around 5 PM, my brother determined that he wanted to bake brownies NOW because his girlfriend wanted them and I told him I was in the middle of this process.  He told me to take the pieces out and I laughed because even the best oven mitts have trouble with 500 degree iron for more than an instant as the pressure on the hand by the metal quickly overcomes even impressive insulators.  He thought himself man enough to take them and I left to get a drink.  I could make out his cry of pain and the crash as the skillet collided with the oven door (he didn’t think to pull out the oven rack rather than just pulling out each piece) and I saw him get into his car and drive away.  Later I went down to check on the iron’s cooling when he returned with a box of Entenmann’s in hand.

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While sitting in my room waiting for my cocoa bricks (dense brownies) to finish I smelled smoke.  This is normally a bad thing and dashed down to see the kitchen filling with smoke from the oven and I quickly turned off the oven, grabbed the brownies and threw them on the cooling grate expecting a charred and burning mass.  Instead I saw that there was a large sticker on the bottom of pan I’d failed to remove that was now reduced to gooey ash.  On the plus side, the brownies are quite good.