I purchased a few cans of dusting agent to, well dust and thought to use the remains of the can in an attempt to add effervescence back into my then flat Diet Mountain Dew.  I grabbed a paper towel to wipe the soda from screen after spitting out one of the foulest fluids I’ve ever tasted (beats both windshield washer fluid and fake stool).  Then I look to see on the can:  “For the safety of your children, a strong bittering agent has been added to this product to stop inhalant abuse.  www.inhalants.org”.  Once again, kids abusing the kindness of companies has destroyed another one of amazing ideas.  One day I’ll finish my cocaine-powered flashlight.

A gift I wanted to get the family for Christmas was the PedPod.  It featured the requisite ridiculous commercial to show its efficacy over normal foot shaping devices and after overcoming my apprehension at purchasing something that looks like one plants to get a child rapist promptly realized how dumb it was and got my loved ones useful gifts.  In a spate of fate my brother received what I can only call a foot file which looks like the illegitimate stepchild of a hairbrush and a cheese grater.  I used the device and began chiseling/grating away years of dead podiatric cells when I stopped and decided to empty it and was greeted with a pile of snow that could have been confused for primo Columbia blow.  After completing this fill/empty/shudder cycle about three times I started hitting non-dead cells, stopped and stood up where I promptly fell over.  Apparently, my callouses had become structural and over the last couple hours have had to lean forward slightly to keep balance.  I hope I don’t encounter any headwinds while walking.