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Since December, a half dozen FedEx packages have not been properly delivered, so I called FedEx Home to see what the source of the error was:

FedEx Person: Sir, it appears that the system is interpreting your address as E. Bristol Rd near Brownsville Rd.  Where should it be?
Me:  West Bristol Rd near Chinquapin Rd closer to Southampton.
*we went back and forth for about 10 minutes trying to find my house based on a landmark which ended when I sent a Google map URL*
FedEx Person: Ok, a note will be attached to the address indicating the location.  Sir, I want to thank you for understanding, most people aren’t nearly this calm.
Me: GPS has generally improved the world, but my address is that 1 in 1000 outlier where it just doesn’t work.  I’ve gotten used to it.  Also, I have a nuclear option.
FedEx Person: Nuclear option?
Me: Yes, every FedEx employee has a monthly quality bonus which can be quite sizable that goes away if there’s a single customer complaint.  That’s a big red button that’s easy to press and as I sit on the phone, I mentally run my finger around it.  I find it calming.
FedEx Person: Oh, so you know about the…
Me: Yes, yes I do.  So, my overnight packages will again be overnight packages?
FedEx Person: Yes, Mr. Robinson.  Thank you for the opportunity to correct the error.  Thank you , I mean thank you.

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My iMac was supposed to arrive today but as the clock ticked past 8:30 I assumed I’d not see it that day.  I received a text message from FedEx saying “Incorrect Address” so I called FedEx.

Me: A package is listed as incorrect address.  I’ve never had an issue with the address before.
FedEx: The address has moved.  Please provide your phone number and we should be able to re-deliver it tomorrow.
Me: How does an address move?  I can give you the latitude and longitude if you prefer, that should avoid the tectonic shifts that have rendered my package apparently undeliverable.
FedEx: No need to, sir.  We’ve figured out where your address has moved to and your package should be there tomorrow.
Me: Again, how does an address move?  Does this entitle me to a new house, am I now trespassing, please tell me.
FedEx: Your package should be delivered tomorrow, if the driver encounters difficulties, he will call you.
Me: Ok.  Tell him to tell my other house I said hello.