I received a packet to fill out for re-employment at BMS and my father asked about the drug test portion. Â I told him that I took the packet to a local testing center and they sent the results to BMS to which he responsed. “You can just go when you want, and to any location? Â In my day, when we had to do a mandatory drug test for our employer we got a cup and a finger pointing to the door, none if this ‘schedule it when you want stuff’, yeesh” I think that may get an award as the world’s oddest “In my day” speech.
Tag: Urine sample
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…