I went to a Christmas Pageant with Dave Senior at the School at Church Farm, and wasn’t terribly interested in going. Â So, I did what any reasonable person would do, I wore the most hideous combination of clothing possible. Â I shall post a picture shortly.
Month: December 2006
I are talk good
I purchased a number of pieces of exercise equipment for my brother for Christmas and while he was at work I tested and tweaked them all so they’d hopefully function as he wanted when he actually received them. Â After testing the stair stepper I failed to hide it and my brother found it in my room while i was using the computer.
Him: “Where’d you get the stairstepper?”
Me: “I found it”
Him: “Where?”
Me: “In the garbage” – Good job me! Make him think I scrounged his gifts!
Him: “Who was throwing it away?”
Me: “The gym stuff store” – Best cover ever!
Him: “Okay”
For those who say I only post my verbal triumphs here’s a fabulous example of what happens when I forget how to talk.
I can't hear you over my dumb
The camp’s floor buffer was apparently broken and after some testing I determined it was the hand switch that was broken so you had to manually run the buffer by plugging the motor itself directly into the wall which would instantly send the device into operation.  I showed the intricate process of plugging the device directly into the wall to Anthony Celona, the camp dullard, and walked to the office.  At the office I got a call from Anthony who had forgotten how to turn on the buffer.
Me:”Anthony”
Anthony:”Yes, Terry”
Me:”Facing the buffer, do you see the thing that looks like a power cord”
Anthony:“Yes”
Me:”That’s the power cord, now do you see the thing that looks like an electric socket”
Anthony:”Yes”
Me:”Put the thing that looks like a power cord into the thing that looks like an electric socket”
Anthony:”Did you say something, I can’t hear you over the floor buffer”
I fear when I return to camp I may depend on his unique technical talents to fill this page. Â Each day will simply become him trying to operate some device like an electric pencil sharpener followed by either the dollar value of the damage he caused with it our the amount of blood loss it caused.
I can't hear you over my dumb
The camp’s floor buffer was apparently broken and after some testing I determined it was the hand switch that was broken so you had to manually run the buffer by plugging the motor itself directly into the wall which would instantly send the device into operation.  I showed the intricate process of plugging the device directly into the wall to Anthony Celona, the camp dullard, and walked to the office.  At the office I got a call from Anthony who had forgotten how to turn on the buffer.
Me:”Anthony”
Anthony:”Yes, Terry”
Me:”Facing the buffer, do you see the thing that looks like a power cord”
Anthony:“Yes”
Me:”That’s the power cord, now do you see the thing that looks like an electric socket”
Anthony:”Yes”
Me:”Put the thing that looks like a power cord into the thing that looks like an electric socket”
Anthony:”Did you say something, I can’t hear you over the floor buffer”
I fear when I return to camp I may depend on his unique technical talents to fill this page. Â Each day will simply become him trying to operate some device like an electric pencil sharpener followed by either the dollar value of the damage he caused with it our the amount of blood loss it caused.
It's actually a hologram
So it has begun. Now is the “aren’t you cold wearing shorts?” season. Â Having done so for 10 years I take it in stride. Â I plan on adding section with a running list of my responses and it will start with today: Â “Aren’t you cold?” “No, my hatred of people who insist on the Dvorak keyboard layout keeps me warm”.
Pardon me, it's my kettle calling me
While waiting in line at Bed Bath and Beyond to purchase my new stainless steel meat tenderizer two middle-aged women were waiting to check out in front of me.  One women was purchasing an Oster electric roster and the one women was attacking the other for buying it when the generic equivalent was so much cheaper and I heard the gem “If I had your money I wouldn’t worry about generic brands either”.  Fine, she’s a bitch and the other is pretentious.  The women’s attack on consumer culture fell flat when I spied the following on her person:  DKNY Handbag, Ralph Lauren Scarf, and and a Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation Pink Eagles baseball cap.
Saucy Fetishists
Today I recieved a 20% off coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond and suddenly I had the urge for a 2 Quart copper-clad saucier. Â I stumbled around the pan section looking for my Holy Grail piece and after 15 minutes of unsuccess a sales associated asked if she could help. Â I explained what I was looking for and she directed me to this rubber-handled monstrosity. Â I asked rhetorically if the rubber handle could go into the oven and she said yes because it was cool touch… Â Wow. Â Rubber fetishists should be alerted to their new flame-retardant status.
Saucy Fetishists
Today I recieved a 20% off coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond and suddenly I had the urge for a 2 Quart copper-clad saucier. Â I stumbled around the pan section looking for my Holy Grail piece and after 15 minutes of unsuccess a sales associated asked if she could help. Â I explained what I was looking for and she directed me to this rubber-handled monstrosity. Â I asked rhetorically if the rubber handle could go into the oven and she said yes because it was cool touch… Â Wow. Â Rubber fetishists should be alerted to their new flame-retardant status.
Fat + Physics > Thin + Asian Metaphysics
For the last day of IH 0051, my Asian instructor told us how the western paradigm of science failed to explain a number of things that could be done by people. Â One of his examples was how one could draw energy from the Earth Mother to grant people strength. Â This demonstration started with me sitting in a chair and three men and the instructor trying to lift me just using two fingers. Â They failed as the instructor stated, but after a few minutes of meditation they tried again. Â I thought they were going to succeed until I heard the first grunt of pain and felt myself falling onto the floor. Â It appears that Eastern meditation and the Earth Mother simply can’t overcome the powerful combination of a fat white man and physics.
Fat + Physics > Thin + Asian Metaphysics
For the last day of IH 0051, my Asian instructor told us how the western paradigm of science failed to explain a number of things that could be done by people. Â One of his examples was how one could draw energy from the Earth Mother to grant people strength. Â This demonstration started with me sitting in a chair and three men and the instructor trying to lift me just using two fingers. Â They failed as the instructor stated, but after a few minutes of meditation they tried again. Â I thought they were going to succeed until I heard the first grunt of pain and felt myself falling onto the floor. Â It appears that Eastern meditation and the Earth Mother simply can’t overcome the powerful combination of a fat white man and physics.