“To set it to projector output mode on that laptop model just hit Function and F4 twice”. Â And with those words uttered in a marketing meeting my secret was out. Â I, Terry Robinson, know how computers work. Â Over the course of the next six hours I was asked to set up a dual monitor display, set up a back-up to an external drive, an, show someone how to return the taskbar in Windows XP from the side back to the bottom. Â Normally, this revelation would annoy me as it just means a categorical increase in the amount of work I have to do but I’ve fine with this. Â This work is for marketing, and they pay me much per hour than R&D.
Tag: marketing
Clock Saver
As much as one wishes not to stereotype, there are some common inclinations among people of a given department. Â Marketing tends not to be action-oriented but creative and R&D a bit of the opposite. Â My new boss mentioned to me that the clock in their area kept falling behind and they were tired of updating it. I changed the battery in it and was greeted as “Terry, Clock Saver”. Â This act would not make me worthy of the bards in my homeland. Â Later in a meeting, I made a dull pun that made the marketing folks roll their eyes. Â That act, on the other hand, would.
Print Area Marketing Math
Me: The marketing folks requested I print another set of posters for them but this time “twice as big”, does that mean 2x area or 2x each axis meaning four times bigger?
Boss: Terry, you’re dealing with marketing people. They’ve gotten where they are by ignoring fact and figures and going for what “feels” better.
Me: So you’re saying I need to say which “feels” twice as big?
Boss: Yes, you could say that. Which print has twice the presence to it?
Me: Presence?
Boss:Â Yes.
Me: You agree that this is utter horseshit.
Boss: Yes.
I concluded to double the axes making it four times bigger, as that was twice the “twiceness” that the requester wanted. I gave them 100% more twiceness than if I just made it twice the size. That should make them happy.
Scent of Change
I’d noticed a change in the tenor of work but didn’t get confirmation as to the cause until recently:
Me: Hey
Coworker: Yeah?
Me: Is it just me or are there more well-dressed angry people walking around?
Coworker: Global Marketing got moved into our building and they miss their spacier cubicles.
Me: Ah, that would also explain the increase in the number of expensive yogurts in the fridge and the uptick in the number people buying chai from the cafeteria.
Coworker: Yes. I think we should change the uniform of R&D to sweats and see if we can make them pop.
Deus Ex Refrigerata
Two women were standing in front of the half-sized refrigerator available in each employee break area staring at the fridge intensely. The handle was missing as the door was in the middle of being repaired (a handle replacement) and neither seemed audacious enough to tango with the wild, handle-less unit. I walked over, opened the door by its side (having much experience liberating food from fail-handled appliances) retrieved my victory sandwich and triumph Mountain Dew to the sounds of the women going “ooooooooh” and then presumably they themselves emancipating their lunches from their former tenacious captor.
It like the old saying goes “open the refrigerator for someone from marketing and feed them for a meal. Teach them to open the refrigerator door themselves and you’ll cow them in stunned submission.”