Yesterday, due to lack of fridge space, I needed alternate storage for the turkey until Thanksgiving.  The weather channel forecasted reasonable temperatures for outdoor turkey storage for the next day so I placed it in a 5 gallon drink cooler and plopped the bird outside in the low 40°’s to thaw.  This morning I went outside to retrieve the turkey for Operation: Brine-the-Bird, I looked outside for the turkey but returned empty handed.  I asked my dad and he said he put it into his truck to keep the animals from opening the cooler.  Good thinking, except the cooler is screw-top, if a raccoon and the non-existent-thumb strength to get the top off, he’s a better mammal than I and can have the turkey.
Month: November 2006
Luckily we have the monopoly on opposable thumbs
Yesterday, due to lack of fridge space, I needed alternate storage for the turkey until Thanksgiving.  The weather channel forecasted reasonable temperatures for outdoor turkey storage for the next day so I placed it in a 5 gallon drink cooler and plopped the bird outside in the low 40°’s to thaw.  This morning I went outside to retrieve the turkey for Operation: Brine-the-Bird, I looked outside for the turkey but returned empty handed.  I asked my dad and he said he put it into his truck to keep the animals from opening the cooler.  Good thinking, except the cooler is screw-top, if a raccoon and the non-existent-thumb strength to get the top off, he’s a better mammal than I and can have the turkey.
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…
Fun with urine
One advantage to not taking drugs: Â You can fuck with people who take urine samples. Â Today I was scheduled to take a pee test for rememployment at BMS. Â The last time I did, it was after a rather salty meal washed down with vitamin fortified apple juice, my pee could have been used to fill a glow stick. Â This time, I was ready. Â Things consumed in preparation for test:
2 liter bottle Diet Cream Soda
2 liter bottle Diet Mountain Dew
8Â 16 oz glasses of water
2Â Bran Muffins
2 12 oz mugs of coffee
1 24 oz bottle of Powerade (so my heart wouldn’t stop beating after I flushed all the salts)
Needless to say, my wee was now roughly at substitute-for-surgical-wash stage.
I walk in to the test center unable to completely wipe the stupid smile from my face and after hearing the infinite safety precautions and being asked if I could “give a sample” I receive my cup with a built in thermometer and go off to the bathroom.  I wait about 5 minutes, fill the container with pristine liquid waste, give it a minute to let the bubbles settle and walk out smiling.  The nurse takes the sample and after she gives it a confused look she walked out and I hear the following:
Nurse 1: “Does this look right to you?”
Nurse 2: “What do you mean?”
Nurse 1: “The color”
Nurse 2: “Did you dye the toilet bowl and tape the faucet?”
Nurse 1: “Yes, I turned the water off.”
Nurse 2: “Were there bubbles?”
Nurse 1: “Not that I could see”
Nurse 2: “Well, shake it a bit and see if they’re any”
Nurse 1: “Thank God”
I look forward to the next one where I try to see if I can get it to be a color besides yellow or clear. Â I know Frankenberry Crunch can change the color of your feces, I wonder if a similar trick works on other waste…
The burnt label adds an oaky flavor
While sitting in my room waiting for my cocoa bricks (dense brownies) to finish I smelled smoke. Â This is normally a bad thing and dashed down to see the kitchen filling with smoke from the oven and I quickly turned off the oven, grabbed the brownies and threw them on the cooling grate expecting a charred and burning mass. Â Instead I saw that there was a large sticker on the bottom of pan I’d failed to remove that was now reduced to gooey ash. Â On the plus side, the brownies are quite good.
Geek Squad Protection Money
As payment for a KVM switch Sam agreed to come over and “fix” some computer rigs I hadn’t quite finished. Â My first indicator that this was a poor idea was when a hard-drive memory test managed to destroy a motherboard. Â In short order, what had been 3 functioning computers were reduced to a pile of gloried sand in a series of “problems” and “coincidences”. Â I’ve ordered replacement parts but fear he may come by with a baseball bat and bash the package as it sits on my stoop.
Trench warfare in the cabinetry
With no triggered traps in 2 days and a total mouse-skull count of 15 I removed the traps and thought the mouse problem had disappeared. Â Later that day while craving cereal I saw the mice had returned and were eating my Raisin Nut Bran. Â I replaced the traps and the death count is up to 18. Â I fear the rodents and my family may be beginning some primitive form of trench warfare.
A usage for border collies
Pat and Clara doubted the glory of the atlatl and I was on a mission to prove the supremacy of meso-American weapons. We (that’s Pat, Clara, me and the dog Tipsy, a border collie) went to a park in King of Prussia and my heart sank as I saw there were no lights by which to find the dart. Â Pat cast a dart hoping the ambient light of King of Prussia would be enough, and the projectile disappeared into oblivion. Â After about 30 seconds of scanning the field for the missing when a black and white splotch approached us. Â It was Tipsy, the border collie, with the dart in it’s mouth. Â For the next hour we cast slobber-covered darts into the darkness only to have them returned by an over-enthusiastic border collie. Â It’s doubtful that I will ever be able to train Max to do the same.
Mouse in the car no more, or not.
I set a mousetrap and put it in my car in hopes of catching the musitic bastard. Â Midway through driving to Madrigale’s Meat Market I heard the trap discharge and excited pulled over to find that I had successfully caught an umbrella.
Mouse in the car
For the last few days I’ve been seeing blobs of color our of my right eye. Â Today I saw one that appeared to move while I drive and figured it was time to see a doctor until moments later a mouse poked his head over the front passenger seat and gave me a “howdy, neighbor” look. Â I thought nothing of this until later I heard a chewing noise shortly followed by my front right speaker going silent. Now I only have a 12″ woofer providing sound, and NPR has started to sound like Charlie Brown’s parents. Â This means war.