I received an offer today in the mail to insure our family dog, Max.  I called in to get a quote and went into actuary mode.
Me: What’s the monthly premium for an 4-year old All-American (PC term for mutt bastard child)?
CSR: Does your pet have any existing problems?
Me: He doesn’t know what leg to raise when he pees so he usually pegs himself in the foot when he takes a whiz.  He also likes cat food.
CSR: Okay, the monthly premium with 13,000 year maximum and $100 deductible is 89.99 a month for unlimited visits.
Me: That’s more expensive than my health insurance, do you have a like a doggy HMO?
CSR: No sir, the plan is very expansive, and you can’t put a price on good pet health.
Me: Yes you can, that’s exactly what health insurance does.  Do you have any discount for multiple pets?
CSR: We do, group plans contain a higher per-event limit in case of multiple medical incidents. * I hang up*
Great, just in case my cat tries to butt-fuck my dog and they both get kitty-herpes there’ll be a higher limit.  Wahoo.
I want to call back and talk to their actuaries.  It’s tough enough to do it for people but what about dogs, they’ve got to have a table for each species.  And what about mutts? Do they average the data for the different species?
“My dog looks a shepard/retreiver mix but my brother swears he’s a Rhodesian Nigger-hater (that’s actually what my brother calls him) with a little pitt-bull, do you have a chart for that?”
“Yes we do, does he look like he’s shiv someone if you messed with his ho or does he prefer to play fetch?”
“Ho shivving variety”
“That’ll be $29 a month”
“What if he eats turds?”
“That’s covered under our turd-muncher rider policy”
“Thank you.”