The God Damn Paper Shredder

There’s a paper shredder in work.  An industrial paper shredder to be exact.  It can take about 20 sheets at the same time and chews through both staples and paper clips, despite being clearly labeled to the contrary.  But I can’t quite master its usage.   It can be clogged but seemingly only by putting in the feed paper incorrectly.  If it’s cocked to the side, it’ll press against the side of the shredder and stop the machine.  The slot’s 14″ wide, but somehow every God damn time I put paper in it, it’s invariably drawn as if by magic to the size of the entry slot and jams.  People walk by and see the jammed thing and wonder how I could be so dumb as to fuck up putting a 8.5″ piece of paper into a 14″ slot.  Invariably, regardless of my attention or intent, the paper will practically run to the wall for the express purpose of jamming.  Other people, seemingly oblivious can put entire phone books through the shredder without an iota of effort or concentration.  Rat bastards, maybe this is printard’s molevolent brother shredtard.

Today I jammed the shredder with only four sheets of paper, four!

As an aside, I think it’s funny that we have a shredder that could eat plate glass and grind up automotive steel but we have to use a special device to destroy CDs which perforates the surface with a little star pattern.  Bad guys can apparently put CD shreds back together with the skill of an Iranian carpet weaver but can’t overcome star-shaped pockmarks.