Arrogance Padawan

Coworker: Terry, I’ve been depressed lately.
Me: Bullshit, you’re sad.  Stop abusing words.
Coworker: I’m sad, how do you overcome sadness.
Me: Unmitigated Egotism.  Sometimes arrogance.
Coworker: Can you teach me to be arrogant.
Me: *Sharp Inhale* Are you willing to treat people like crap based on fleeting interactions?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to put your self on the line by making fantastic claims that you couldn’t support but the listener couldn’t understand?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to make your family feel like Barbie Dolls inhabiting your Malibu Dream house?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Let us begin.
—Hours of Arrogance Training Later—
Me: So, despite not being me and therefore being inferior, what has your piddling brain grabbed.

  1. Superficial failings reflect deep personal inadequacies and these failings should be loudly and continually compared to one’s skills so the peon can learn from you.
  2. In that I’m better than everyone, all attributes I don’t possess are unnecessary and possibly even dangerous despite social and scientific evidence to the contrary.
  3. My shifting priorities are not a sign of inconsistency but of my ever expanding and superior understanding of the cosmos.
  4. Accepting an offer of help would allow someone to obscure my radiance during my eventual triumph.  Aid must be either unmarked or untraceable for it to be accepted.

Me: Not bad.  I would have phrased it far better but it’s a start.  You have much Ayn Rand to misread.