Keyboard Fraud

The delight I experienced with each press of the Matias Tactile Pro keyboard’s keys is audible in the sense that for the first few times I squealed, and the keys are otherwise quite loud.  Loud to the point that Max won’t sit in my room when I’m typing, to the point where I can’t listen to music while typing, and to the point where my housemates ask me to close my door if I need to type after 11 PM.  For a few days, I was in keyboard heaven but the hyphen key wouldn’t work properly, nor would the function keys so I emailed the manufacturer.  The first email outlined the problem, the second email provided description elements, and the reply was a phone call.

Him: Mr. Robinson, can you read me off the numbers on the back?
Me: Sure.  *reads off numbers*
Him: Are there 3 stickers on it?
Me: Yeah.
Him: I was afraid of this.  You’ve been victim of keyboard counterfeiting.  Someone has sold you a Korean knockoff of our Taiwanese made keyboard.
Me: Ok, I bought it through Amazon, I’ll just return it and buy another.
Him: That’s not an option.  I know it’s letting the bad guys win but I just can’t let this keyboard out into the wild.  The next person may not call us, and it will sit there, performing poorly, harming our name.  Mr. Robinson, would you be willing to send it to us in exchange for credit towards a new keyboard?
Me: Sure.  I picture you guys doing forensic analysis on it or something and then plunging it into a demon-mouthed furnace as you stand around in robes sprinkling holy water as demons are freed.
Him: We have a keyboard shredder.
Me: That’s amazing.  I will totally send you the keyboard.
Him: You sound like a just and honorable person.  We will send you a new keyboard for the price difference of what we retain for and what you paid if you promise you will destroy the keyboard.
Me: I will find a suitably neat way of destroying it and post it on youtube.  I think I can make a cannon that can…
Him: Iiiiiiiiiiiii’d prefer you not do that.  Something tells me, not everyone will pick up that it was counterfeit and will just see a video of you destroying one of our keyboards because it didn’t work.
Me: Gotcha.

I’m going to find a good way of destroying the keyboard, I just haven’t figured out how yet.  My fingers await a mechanical keyboard that will not pollute with ill-gotten mechanical switches and keys molded by the hand of Satan.