Apple Technical Support

My iMac apparently came with a wireless card.  Doesn’t seem to be working.  Called Apple Technical Support.

Me: My iMac’s wireless card doesn’t appear to be working.
Tech #1: Sir, your device is out of warranty, would you like to sign up for an extra year or would you like to pay the $34.95 cost for a spot license?
Me: It’s a hardware issue which is still covered.  Can I just get an RMA?
Tech #1: That is yet to be determined.
Me: The card is not appearing in the system.
Tech #1: Sir, please choose.
Me: Do I get a refund if it turns out to be a hardware issue?
Tech #1: I believe, let me check.  *five minute pause* Yes, sir.  Pardon the delay, I had to elevate the question several times to get an answer.
Me: I’ll take the one-off option.  You don’t deal with legit hardware issues often, do you?
Tech #1: No.  Let me transfer you to a technical agent.
Me: Ok.
Tech #2: Sir, I see you’ve chosen the spot warranty option.  I’ll walk you through the fix.
Me: I don’t think it’ll work.  The card’s simply not appearing.
Tech #2: Let’s try a few things *tries a few things*
Me: Can I just get an RMA for this?
Tech #2: It’s almost always a software issue.  Let’s try one more thing.  *tries one more thing*  Hm… still no luck.  Let’s get you a repair authorization.
Me: Ok.
Tech #3: Sir, your RMA # is XXXXX.  Pardon for the wait.
Me: Can I get my refund for the call too?
Tech #3: Sure, one moment.  *comes back 5 minutes later*  Sorry for the delay, sir, no one on my floor recalled having actually dealt with a hardware issue of this kind and no one knew the refund procedure.
Me: So, am I getting a refund?
Tech #3: Yes, the department service VP did the refund by hand.
Me: You don’t deal with a lot of actual hardware issues, do you?
Tech #3: No, sir.  Usually customers have a software issue or just decide to upgrade.

Ha, years of working with Windows has given me an intuitive sense of when the hardware’s just borked.  Take that, Apple.