A friend indicated she wished to go ice skating, and I, not wishing to look like an idiot, immediately took on myself the task of gathering as much skating experience as I could muster.Â Mike and Kacey offered to take me skating and we went to IceWorks in Aston, Pa for me to lose my skate-ginity.
The first step was getting skates.Â Since I normally wear a size 14-15 shoe and was told to get snug skates, I got a pair of size 14 skates that appeared to be made out of Caribou leather and bone.Â Lacking a jackhammer or marlinspike, I forced them onto my feet as best I could and made my way onto the ice.Â At this point, I didn’t know how one was supposed to skate but having one’s ankles canted at 45 degree angles didn’t seem like the right way.Â I made a lap and felt like my ankles were on fire so I got another pair of skates, this time a size down.Â Somehow these went on much easier and I began ice-walking with enough sucess that Mike mocked me for ice-walking instead of ice-skating.Â Thanks, Mike.
After my second through fourth lap, I gained the ability to glide for very, very short distances, and having already fallen (my first fear) got to face my second: Being terrified of cutting a child in half.Â I see it perfectly in my mind’s eye, I’m gracefully gliding, possibly looking over my shoulder giving someone a devil-may-care smile when an innocent child reachs for his or her mother, falls, and descends to the ice.Â I look forward, see him or her, and not being able to stop, cleft the youth in twain and become the Solomon of the ice.
After a few more laps, I felt that I could go short distances without staring at my feet and for about 30 feet of every lap could talk with Mike or Kacey as they passed.Â During one such lap, a child fell in front of me.Â Knowing I couldn’t stop in time, I attempted to stear around, and did, so much so that I was now going backwards.Â In my attempt to face forward, I fell and fell hard.Â I stayed on the ice for a moment and was able to make out the outline of my keys, fitbit, knife, and change in my pocket in screaming pain receptors and learned quickly that there’s no reason to bring yours keys with you onto the ice.
I hurt, my Fitbit was shattered, my pants and shirt were wet, but today, I killed no children.Â Victory.