Tonight’s pork chops were terrible, I had to down a half a box of cereal to get the taste out of my mouth.

Nurse: Mr. Robinson, please step onto the scale
Me: What’s the capacity of the scale?
Nurse: Don’t worry.
Me: I’m pretty sure I’m over capacity.
Nurse: Just step on.
*I step onto scale, needle spins wildly and it stops at 320*
Me: I weigh a lot more than than that, I’m closer to 380.
Nurse: Ah, don’t worry, today you’re 60 lbs lighter.

I paid the price when I woke up partway through the operation and started kicking (even sedated I’m not dumb enough to move my mouth around with a scalpel and pliers in it.)
Doctor: God damn it, why is he kicking, who determined the dosage?

On the plus size, I could pretty much walk away when I was done, as opposed to the 24 hour down time that would have occur if I had gotten the right fucking dose.  On the way out, the nurse refused to talk to me as she said I wouldn’t remember any of this in an hour, at which point I pointed out an error on the billing statement which indicated I had 4 fully impacted teeth instead of 2 fine and 2 impacted.  I’m pretty sure the nurse’s death stare could have boiled water.

Prescriptions                                                                                             $56.25
Consultation                                                                                             $128.00
Wisdom Teeth Removal                                                                           $1964.00
Being able to correct a nurse when I shouldn’t be able to count to 3           Priceless

Nurse: The doctor’s going to be a moment, would you like to go to the cafeteria?
Me: *Shakes gut while wearing no pants* I should be fine.
Ah, physicals

Me: That’s kinda sad.
Anthony: Funeral services tend to be like that.
Me: No, I thought there’d be cake.
-At L. Rosenberger’s Funeral Service

Me: That’s kinda sad.
Anthony: Funeral services tend to be like that.
Me: No, I thought there’d be cake.
-At L. Rosenberger’s Funeral Service

I filled a glass with water today in the cafeteria and when I went to pay for as if it were soda.  I said it was water, the teller laughed at me and shoed me away.

Recent Flavor Combos I was unimpressed with:
Chocolate Covered Hotdog
Caramel Coated Cheezit
Horseradish Ice CreaM
Cheddar Trisket & Strawberry Mini Wheats cereal

Aaron: How do you stay awake through that?
Me: I don’t, my gut prevents my head from hitting the desk so it looks like I’m writing

“Terry, what’s the secret to staying warm?”
“A BMI that’s expressed in Scientific Notation”

Someone asked me if I trained to wear shorts all winter.  I shook my gut and replied “it takes dedication, tasty dedication”.

I accidentally purchased a pie when attempting to get a slice of carrot cake I pointed to the item using both hands, one giving the Z direction, the other giving the X direction.  Thinking I was pointing to the item on top, I received a Sugar Free Apple Pecan pie before I could say anything.  Oddly, this is the 2nd time this happened.

I recently purchased a pair of pants with the following string of adjectives of fatness: relaxed fit, expanded waist, pleated, double-strong fabric, stain-guard, smooth glide inseam and comfort seamed.  Wow.  Based on this , putting on these pants must be better than bed.

Retailers will use good looking people that could reasonable fit into the clothing but I noticed an exception.  While looking through a catalog for lab ninja pants, I found a picture for a size 56 waist pair of pants and realized if a guy of that physique needed that shirt he’d be 9 1/2 feet tall and weight 840 pounds.  Go realism!

I ripped my pants playing volleyball, but since so much fabric was torn so quickly a barametric shockwave errupted that nearly caused the ball to explode.

I purchased dinner for my father and I from Papa’s Wings on Bridgetown Pike and after ordering wings requested the light ranch dipping sauce.  When I brought the package home, the 12 wing meal I ordered contained 5 4 oz. containers of dip, 2 ranch and 3 blue cheese.  Pound for pound, I had more dip than meat.  It was barely enough.

While attempting to take a seat on the R3 today  the women next to the window looked at me in this absolutely aghast face that said “I will sit next to a person but not a stack of 55 gallon drums.” After I sat down she ruffled her magazine loudly, as if that would magically reduce my volume.

I was asked at a restaurant if I’d like the soup or salad and I responded “yes”.

I have found a way to overcome the problem of insufficient cookie dough to make a yield equal to the recipe: Size each cookie as if Nicole Richie were to have it for breakfast.

I made cookies for a bake sale today based on a recipe from Good Eats.  When finished I packed the 10 cookies onto parchment paper and wrapped them for sale.  I later saw the recipe was sized to make 3 dozen cookies.  Bet they’re tasty.