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I was 221 lbs so down 199 from my starting weight of 420.  I wanted to lose 210 lbs to be half the person I used to be, but after four three months of working downtown I had stabilized here and I thought this would be a good weight to make my new home.  Maybe surgery would remove 10 lbs of whatever and I would reach my target but this seemed unlikely.  So, with heavy heart, and a soon to be empty wallet, I called to schedule two procedures to get rid of an excess of me.  Time to shrink.

I called to schedule an initial pre-op visit:

*chatter about scheduling*

Receptionist: Everything will be fine, the doctor is quite skilled.
Me: I’m not worried about the doctor, I’m worried about the anesthesiologist.
Receptionist: Don’t say that.  Everything will be fine.
Me: What?  He’s five times more likely to kill me than the surgeon.
Receptionist: STOP SAYING THAT.
Me: Hey, I’m an actuary, I know these things.
Receptionist: Well, I’m sure the anesthesiologist is good too.  Have a nice day, actuary.

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I have many boxes of Magic cards and the bulk total is about 60,000.  I stack them in cardboard boxes but over time, their shear weight crushes these boxes leading me to replace these boxes annually at a cost of about 24 dollars (8 5000 ct boxes at 3 dollars a piece after tax).  I hypothesized that I could double the lifetime of a box by putting it on shelves.  Being an actuary, assuming a 5% annual rate of return and 10 years more of Magic I could spend 95 dollars on getting kickin’ shelves and come out ahead actuarially, which is how I’d always preferred to come out (… I should probably rephrase that).

I tell my dad of my revelation and head to Lowes, hit home organization and see the $60 black matte shelf unit I wanted.  I pump my fist in actuarial triumph and grab the box and two extra $12.00 shelves… which are only available in chrome.  I put the shelf unit box down and go to the chrome shelving unit and stop in horror upon seeing it’s a model-busting $75.  I could have off color shelves but then how could I sleep at night?  Could I be so callous and just let my model?  I sigh, grab the chrome shelf unit and slump home.  I get home, and my dad asks me why I look so glum to which I respond: “My model couldn’t survive my dedication to looking fabulous.”

Afterword:  If I can get the boxes to last 16 months, my model will live again.  Keep this cardboard in your thoughts and prayers.

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In my BA 2101 “Get Ready to Work” class, one assignment consisted of creating a fake experience portfolio for a job interview.  The process was to think about a hypothetical piece of work you could provide to an employer to prove competence in your field.  Easy for a photographer, actor, or writer, not so easy for an actuary.  I wrote the following:

  1. Randomly select 10 people from local retirement home
  2. Guess when they’ll die
  3. Check-up periodically, select new people as fogeys succumb to icy hand of death

I hope that counts.  Should it not, like four would become “based on results, adjust investments in Centrum Silver and coffin manufacturers accordingly.