I can’t vote for Supreme Court justices and my vote for almost every other election is washed out in a sea of blue as a resident of Pennsyltucky, but one place where my vote will always have numerical power is local elections. Most people shun this opportunity to vote for coroner, register of wills, and such but I relish the opportunity to try and take down our tax collector. The office is open less than 20 hours a week and when asked why my father was told “well, I do a lot of work at home, too”. WHY NOT JUST DO IT AT THE OFFICE. It’s great that you’re open from 11-1 on Tuesdays and 9 PM to 4 AM on the Ides of March but real hours would be swell due to the irony of the people that have to pay you being job holders who are otherwise unavailable during your “business” hours.

So, it was about 7:45 PM (polls close at 8):
Me: Did you vote today?
Dad: There were elections today? Is it vote that dumb bitch out of office day?
Me: It may be.
Dad: To the polls!

My dad voted first, and I was right behind him as the poll closed with me being voter 200. I was in the booth when he exited and we met up again at home:
Me: It was a primary.
Him: It was a primary.
Me: A Republican primary, everyone runs unopposed in a Republican primary.
Him: I did a write in.
Me: Me too.
Him: I wrote “anyone else”
Me: He got my vote too. Good to know he’s gaining popularity.

If “Anyone Else” makes it to the general election with three votes (my brother hates her to) I will know democracy works. And that the dumb bitch is an unpopular dumb bitch.

Note of Clarification: In a previous post on voting, I give the impression that I was saddened by the results of the recent election.  This is far from the case, my anger arose at new voters who haven’t yet learned that voting is usually a far more pedestrian affair and that proof of democracy is voting when you probably won’t change a thing.  Mykie Noble compared my feelings to church folk who get angry at people that appear only at Christmas.  Democracy is a dirty, messy matter where years of work culminate in a single vote that can be thwarted by misinformation, polemics, or weather.

I split my votes across 3 parties and 1 independent and I look forward to having the High Priest of Democracy that believes in the power of government.  As Rachael Maddow said on the Colbert Report “Having a small government conservative as the president is like having a vegan butcher”.  I look forward to having a velociraptor in power (normally, I’d have to send a metaphor abroad to have it tortured that much).

Actual Post: In talking with my largely conservative coworkers in the wake (some say aftermath) of the recent presidential election I’ve received a lot of curious questions ranging from the composition of the Supreme Court to powers normally wielded by the president.  I think most people are willing to give our new president the benefit of the doubt and all the McCain-Palin bumper stickers and yard signs will be replaced with ones that simply say “We’ll see”.

Not a very funny post so I’ll steal a line from Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.  Palin was panned for not being informed on world events, history and US policy.  To prepare for 2012 she’ll be moving the Governor’s Mansion so she can see a library from her house.

The day after election day was a bit duller at work that I imagined but somehow I because a generic everyman.  When ever someone discussed election results with me I was part of the “we” regardless of their position.  I was told that “we did what we could” to get McCain elected and that “we helped turn the tide” by electing Obama.  I didn’t observe this with any other colleagues.  I’m not sure what to make of this.

Warning:  The two statements below were based on my immediate reactions to the crowds of cheering fans for various candidates in the 2008 elections.  By no means is this an indictment of the majority of my readership who spent the quality time to make a decision based on an understanding of pertinent issues and a proper gauging of character.  When next November comes, I hope to eat my words, but as I’ve said before, I enjoy being a pessimist.  I’m either right or pleasantly surprised.

Subtle Disdain or First-Time Voters:

Congratulations, you voted.   I’m fine that you that when you pulled that level you were expecting a cloud of flying kittens that pooped daisies to appear to reward you for having made a decision for the candidate able to make “tough choices”.  I’m fine that you’ve spent 20 minutes of time to make a poorly informed decision for candidates whose platforms you understand as well as the importance of gauge symmetry in particle physics.  Really, as someone who votes in primaries and sits on his township’s environmental board and whose endlessly debated the difference between Type II and Type IIA drainage plans I’m glad your eventual decision went down to who gave you “hope” or “seemed like a stronger leader”.

I’m fine that you voted for who supported policies that aren’t within the powers of their office. Your president still can’t ban gay marriage, control budgets, or sign treaties.  Your senator still can’t overthrow the FCC, change the National Park Service or change your state’s sales tax.  Your local representative still can’t institute national health care, or end the War in Iraq.  I’m fine that you didn’t know that.

I’m fine that you voted on the ballot initiative based entirely on what was written in the 2″x4″ box describing the measure or missed it entirely not realizing that there’s more than one avenue of legislative action.

I’m fine that after hitting the button for your preferred presidential candidate you froze in fear upon seeing the six other offices up for election and that you showed your true level of preparation by selecting people from your party or the person whose name you’d heard most.

Really, I’m fine with that.  Statistics informs be that your ignorance combined with poorly designed user interfaces on voting machines means that your vote was canceled out by other slack-jawed yokels thunderstruck by the difficulty of operating technology that’s fault-tested by toddlers.  The real winner in the 2008, as always, was the normal distribution.

Not Subtle Disdain For First-Timers:

It’s great that 138 million or so people voted, really I’m thrilled for them.  Never mind that the vast majority lived in states that were as political conservative as the arch-angel Gabriel or consider the sex-drive of Cirque De Soleil quaint and their vote’s importance bordered on neutrino-like importance, I’m glad these neophyte political quidam could think of themselves as useful.

My vengeance against these panglosian plebiscites will come next November, when the only thing to vote for will be freeholders, DA’s, auditor generals and if you live in Pennsylvania which elects everything, County Coroner.  The turnout will hit a stunning 12% and again my vote will wield disproportional influence over the unwashed masses ignorant of the true power held by a prothonotary over the District Justice and how County Commissioners sacrifice cats to summon Ialbadoth, Minion of the Lord of Greater Darkness.  When the ichor-stained swatch of ballots hewn from hellstone consume the upstart touchscreen voting booths, Americans will again known the despair of democracy and the dread and loathing induced by an election day on an odd-numbered year.  Feel my wrath.

Thoughts?

While I’m somewhat certain of whom I back in national elections I’m much less certain for local ones.  Candidates blow at giving information about both their platform and government epistomology so have been searching for a voting algorithm for a few years, I think I’ve found one.

In a two candidate race, vote for the guy whose opponent sends the dumbest attack literature.  For instance, a candidate for state rep sent the following:

Chris King, is in favor of nationalizing healthcare (which he can’t do as a state rep), liberal supreme court justices (which are direct elections in PA and appointed at the national level) and wants to raise the crippling sales tax (crippling, really?  If you can’t pay six percent, I’d reconsider the purchase).

Mind you, there’s one exception.   Our local tax officer gets paid $60,000 a year and their office is open 12 hours a week.  If actuarial science doesn’t work out I’m going to run for that position on the “I’ll be open when you can actually get to my office” platform.

Voting was well, dull.  Most of the slots were “Pick 8 people to be associate vizier to the regional viceroy” or whatever term the Republican Party uses as go-fors between its legates and guls and the Vorta (providing further proof that Mitt Romney is not only an ideological changling but also a Founder, how else does he keep that glow?)

Anyway, once those Hobson’s Choices were made, there were officers where no one was running.  So, in the interest of exercising the most voting I could I wrote in a number of my regular readers for various offices in the Republican party.  Mykie, I wish you good luck as “Representer for Local District 438” and hope Rob doesn’t mind being the state bursar.

Voting was well, dull.  Most of the slots were “Pick 8 people to be associate vizier to the regional viceroy” or whatever term the Republican Party uses as go-fors between its legates and guls and the Vorta (providing further proof that Mitt Romney is not only an ideological changling but also a Founder, how else does he keep that glow?)

Anyway, once those Hobson’s Choices were made, there were officers where no one was running.  So, in the interest of exercising the most voting I could I wrote in a number of my regular readers for various offices in the Republican party.  Mykie, I wish you good luck as “Representer for Local District 438” and hope Rob doesn’t mind being the state bursar.