An age old Robinson family condition is that my brother gets plastered and then challenges me to a flexibility contest.  We once broke the door off of a microwave when we needed something between countertop and window sill.  I have brought this tradition to camp and yesterday we engaged in one using a staircase.

It was epic with critical moments like realizing that Scout pants aren’t up to the job, Bill Schilling learning that it’s cheating to have someone lift you while stretching and Joe Naylor learning there were some places the human foot was not meant to go and especially ways it shouldn’t get there.  Everytime someone walked in they looked at us strangely but eventually began cheering as Pat and Joe went into a kind of obese limber man’s game of PIG eventually resulting in Joe nearly destroying a telephone while using his right hand to pull his foot above his head.  In the course of this, we made a bit of noise and today one of the upstairs inhabitants talked to me about what happened.

Pool Director:  I was about to come down and chew you out until I heard you say “That table wasn’t mean to hold that kind of weight” and “Joe, don’t do it, your foot wasn’t meant to do that” followed by Tom’s belly laugh.  I figured I’d probably get involved too.

How cool would that have been?  A 55 year old aquatics director challenging a bunch of young turks to a foot lifting competition.  I think my instigation single-handedly decimated four separate crotches the next day, ironically, one was the health officer’s.

Leader: There’s a problem in the adult male shower house
Me: Oh… What’s that?
Leader: One of the toilets is clogged.
Me: Isn’t there a plunger, sit?
Leader: Well, I tried plunging, but stopped when the water started over flowing.  Someone had a very loose stool and some of it got onto the…
Me: Thank you, sir.  I’ll take care of it. *Wait*  (over radio) Pat Toye.
Pat (over radio): Go for Pat
Me (over radio):  There’s a bit of a mess in the shower house. Do you have medical gauntlets?
Pat (over radio): Nope.
Me (over radio):  Well, assemble the war gear, I’m going to lead a sortie into enemy territory.

So, four of us arrive at the shower house and I was skirmisher in the first wave.  It looked like someone had a forceful bowel movement that clogged the john that he tried to de-clog with a hand grenade.  Without years of training, I would have been knocked back, but I know my enemy.  I’ve never become physically exhausted plunging a toilet.  Matt Grob and I went back and forth until finally I think we pressed so hard we cracked the cesspool.  I’ve never had to clean up after something like that such that I had to mop the walls and the bottom rim of the tank.  Never say never, I suppose.  I’ve never had to teambuild a toilet before.

When we were finished it was unclogged, restocked, bleached,disinfected (2nd agent), swept and mopped proving an iron law of dealing with these things.  The dirtier it was before the deed, the cleaner it is afterwards.

I’m currently sitting on a bench outside a Dunkin’ Donuts between the Reading Terminal Market and Market Street Station thinking of the exam I could have probably done better on by selecting answers through analyzing the entrails of risk management majors.  The exam itself wasn’t too bad, I felt good that I had a strong sense of whether or not I got a question wrong, the rule was simple: if I selected an answer, I probably got the question wrong.  But the oddest event of the day was when I went into Wawa at 20 of 7:00 AM and walked in on the person operating the register talking with some sorostitute about some sort of doctor’s visit in an unusually upbeat manner.

Register operator: Yeah, it turns out the test results were positive.
Sorostitute: Well, that’s sad.
Register operator: Well, you know me, I’ll go down smiling all the way.
Sorostitute: You will.
Register operator: It’s ok.  Just keep going.

After 20 seconds of disbelief and me thinking that they’d break out in Seasons of Love or something else from Rent, I walked out.  Standing there in a Wawa parking lot at quarter of 7:00 AM with a turkey sausage bagel in my left hand and a kielbasa in my right I realized something:  No matter what happens in the next few hours, I’m alive…. and by 2 PM will have wasted $375 failing an actuarial exam.

I received my degree today.   Finally.  It nicely states my name and degree and university in a lightly serifed font like an elegant combination of Copperplate Gothic and Cooper Black.  I take it out of the protective case, show my dad, he shakes my hand and I put it on the table to clear space to put it in a place of honor upon the refrigerator.

Aside:  Importance on the Robinson fridge is determined by proximity to the calendar.  You ain’t worth shit if your art/report card/degree/honorific doesn’t at least make it onto the freezer.

I decide to put it directly on top of the calendar and return to see the face of horror: My father’s over-iced screw driver in a plastic tumbler we stole from my aunt’s house slowly approaching the surface of the one indication that proves in the eyes of God and/or the world’s credit agencies that I’m better than my brother.  I see the first drips of condensation held to the plastic of the cup only by a prayer and water’s electrostatic adhesiveness thinking that only the intervention of Le Chantelier himself could change the laws of chemistry such that my symbol erudition and triumph would remain unbesmearched when I receive a deus ex machina: the soft baritone of Shelby Foote announcing factoids of the Civil War stills my father’s alcohol impeded heart enough that I can wrench the 80 lb bonded paper from the Van Der Waals force-induced grip of the table.

I finally resigned myself to the knowledge that I’d never get an iPhone from a store while in stock and went to the Apple store to order it.  I walked in to a very angry woman chastising the attendant for getting the wrong color iPhone, she wanted a black one and didn’t get it because the wait was longer and the attendant ordered a white one to reduce the wait.  They argued back and forth until the woman grabbed the phone in a huff and jammed it into its new case, a full glove (covered the entire phone), black leather case.  I think the only time she’ll notice the color’s wrong is when she removes it to sodomize the attendant next time.

I heard radio chatter that the new air conditioner in one of the buildings.  They were complaining about it not cooling as well as a pipe leak in the room.  I went down to check on it to see what the problem was:  The room wasn’t cool all right, but that was because the air conditioner was sitting in the middle of the floor…. on…. in the middle of the floor….on.  It was in the middle of a puddle of water from the condenser because it was int he middle of the floor….on….in the middle of the store….on.

To a certain extent, I was thinking of not correcting anyone for the hope that we’d get a better air conditioner, and then I remembered that I was at camp… in a building… with an air conditioner in the middle of the floor….on.

This Saturday, Zack Kantner and I went on a trek to find a new iPhone and at the first store found the wait to be 3 weeks.  At the next store, it was 10-20 business days or 2 to 4 weeks.  I visited a 3rd store after dropping off Zack and the third store it was 15 days.

Me: But the last store said they could get it in 10 business days?
Clerk:  Well, if they can get it in 10, we can get it in 10.  And we’re usually faster than the Newtown store so we can probably get it in 8 or so.  We might be able to get it in fewer days if you’re willing to wait.
Me: So if I wait, I might be able to get it faster than if I order it now?
Clerk: Yeah.  Wait till the rush is over.

Am I the only one who finds this makes no sense?

WiFi access is now available at Totem Lodge for Leaders and Staffers that sign on to our licensing agreement.  Some leaders like it, really like it.  Today I realized how this changed the camp dynamic when I received this email:

Hi Terry,

What time is BSA Kayaking?

Thanks, (leader name)

That may seem unspectacular except that the leader was in camp, in Totem, next to a phone, surrounded by staff, and I was emailed the question.