Jiffy Lube Attendant: For a high performance, high mileage vehicle like yours, we recommend 10w30 high mileage blend to keep your car running great.
Me: Ma’am, please look at the front of my car. *pause*  What you see is the piebald front of a salvage recovery 2006 Toyota Matrix.  It may be 9 horsepower and the rear passenger side floods when I turn on the air conditioner.  If you can tell me my glorified station wagon is “high performance” with a straight face, I will buy your fancy oil package.
Jiffy Lube Attendant: Ok, sir, I have you down for our standard oil change, it should be done in about 15 minutes.