Sam’s current girlfriend and I talked for 20 minutes with either of us shooting laser beams from our eyes, breathing fire or resorting to 3rd grade insults. Like a house of cards, no one said anything, for fear of a speck of dust or sun mote destroying the fragile peace. Danger appeared when I failed to understand the difference between a neurological disorder and a mental disorder. If we can do it, Israel/Palestine should be a cake walk.
Author: Terry
Blow me, be a winner
I’m really growing attached to the “Be A Winner” Stationary BMS has given us. When I got a note that said “Samples do not meet spec, redo” with “Be a Winner” under it, I wasn’t offended. I think HR should use these when dispensing employees:
-“Johnson, you’re fired”, “Be a Winner”
-“Your project budget has been rejected”, “Be a Winner”
-“Turns out those monkeys did have AIDS”, “Be a Winner”
Inkball
We’re doing Romanticism in IH and most of the last few weeks has been reading poetry. Not that I’m a philistine, but I think students have the embedded idea that one can’t be wrong about poetry in the same way as interpreting Two Treatises on Government by John Locke. Anyway, I figure rather than fighting I’d bite my tongue and occupy myself. A friend asked me how I put up with the fluffy shit to which I responded “Ink ball”.
Driveway of Doom
I successfully made it about 12 feet from my driveway before I started sliding wildly (I’m certain my tires may rival Teflon for a low coefficient of friction) and pulled out my phone to call my boss but was delayed by a voicemail from my boss stating he couldn’t leave his driveway and I didn’t have to go to work.
The quadruple amputee can't breathe!
CPR Training dummies consist of the non-descript torso of a person and head with a chest that clicks so you know a chest compression was done properly. Â Additionally, as part of proper CPR one must send someone for help and tell them any important details about he victim as possible. Â During my assessment I used the following:
“CPR Dummy, CPR Dummy are you okay? Â Tihn, get the AED and call the help line.”
“What should I tell them?”
“We have a non-descript unconscious hermaphroditic quadruple amputee that’s not responding and appears to have had multiple facelifts and lungs replaced with plastic lunch bags”
Winners write chiasmi, lossers… don't.
Our firm has recently instituted a series of cost-cutting measures which in the midst we received literally hundreds of sticky notes with dumb slogans on the bottom to which I’ve created insurgent responses:
Example:
The winner: Is always part of the solution, the loser is always part of the problem
Response: The winner is always part of the solution, the loser is always part of the precipitate
I don’t know how much they’d like my “The losers always blames those that can fire him, the winner always blames those he can fire” but no one’s noticed it yet.
Goodbye -Your Gloves
I lost my left glove in the movie theater. Â I really liked those gloves, partly because they were warm, partly because they were inexpensive, partly because they had really long cuffs and didn’t leave that 1/4 inch of exposed flesh that froze if you put your gloves on after your coat. Â While searching for it, I instead found a very small pair of black children’s gloves. Â Maybe my glove no longer loved me.
No creative title!
The 5-C tournament had more participants than the T2 Tournament. Â Tee hee hee. Â Anyway, while playing against another player’s B team, we got rather noisy, which is par for me and a bit of crowd gathered to see basic land after basic land come into play and horrible common creatures like Silkwing Scout deliver beatings. Â I then get a voicemail message from the TO: “I don’t know if you can hear this, but try to keep it down, you’ve got a bit of crowd so that should hold in the noise, but please keep it down”. Â The beauty is that I put my phone ringer as “1-beep” so I don’t hear it most of the time. Â This would explain why I got the evil eyeball a 1/2 dozen times when I looked at the TO.
Viva la shorts
Both the inbound and outbound trains were running late today and when exiting the R3 at Temple, a man ran up to me.
Man: I saw you earlier and I wanted to say good job.
Me: For what?
Man: For sticking it to ’em.
Me: *silence**silence**silence* Thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT! Who am I possibly sticking it to? The fashion industry? Eskimos? Thin People? Tell me crazy R5-train-taking man!
Yes, I'm a Genuardi's club member
I was late for a training seminar at another work location and didn’t have time to take the visitor entrance as there’s a rather lengthy check in process but I didn’t have an ID to show the guard to get through. Idea, as I approached, I kept a reasonable pace and just showed the back of my library card. I hope it’s not this easy to get on military bases.