My productivity is vastly improved when I have an arch-nemesis. Â Someone to whom I can dedicate heroic feets of self-less activity merely to prevent them from one upping me. Â Upon returning to work, I discovered my old one had moved on to another job and have thus sat around near catatonic for a week. Â That was until today a woman when a woman gave me a dirty look for taking her Lean Cuisine out of the microwave after she failed to remove it after 5 minutes. Â The game is on Ms. Dirty-Look-Giver-to-Microwave-Dish-Remover-People, the game is on.
Author: Terry
Re-arrange chairs on the deck of the SS Statistics
In taking Stat 212 I anticipated a leg up in that I already understood how the teacher worked. Â I asked him tongue-in-cheek if he’d changed the quizzes from the previous semester and he replied he did. Â Indeed he did, the questions were in a completely different order from the previous semester. Â Identical numbers and functions, but apparently, changing the order is sufficient to throw off people.
Yes, housekeeping did it
Every day after lunch I swing by the Finance Secretary’s desk for a piece of candy and recently it’s been the good stuff, like those little Lindor Balls that people only bring out to impress guests. Â Yesterday, the balls were gone and I asked the secretary what happened to the candy dish, to which she responded “someone kept taking them while I was lunch and those chocolates were expensive, I think it was housekeeping.” Â Yes, housekeeping…
Yes, housekeeping did it
Every day after lunch I swing by the Finance Secretary’s desk for a piece of candy and recently it’s been the good stuff, like those little Lindor Balls that people only bring out to impress guests. Â Yesterday, the balls were gone and I asked the secretary what happened to the candy dish, to which she responded “someone kept taking them while I was lunch and those chocolates were expensive, I think it was housekeeping.” Â Yes, housekeeping…
Toast for Ryan
I make french toast in two phases: first I sear them on a griddle then I bake them, thus the outside is crunchy and the inside is creamy. Â I’ve seen silicone baking sheets advertised like all hell during Christmas so I decided to my silicone cutting board as one and see if the food didn’t stick. Â So, I placed the seared toast on a baking sheet on top of the cutting board and popped it in the oven. Â After 5 minutes I pulled it out to find my toast floating on molten silicone. Â Thinking I’d lost a cutting board and baking mat, as it cooled I heard a popping noise. Â It was the cutting board solidifying and I quickly extracted the toast which didn’t appear to have any silicone on it. Â I now had a resolidified cutting board with 5 toast-shaped dents in it that came off in one piece. Â I tried a piece of the toast and it tasted….. rubbery. Â Not wanted to waste the toast I wrapped them in aluminum foil and wrote in Black Sharpie “Toast for Ryan”. Â Don’t tell him.
Toast for Ryan
I make french toast in two phases: first I sear them on a griddle then I bake them, thus the outside is crunchy and the inside is creamy. Â I’ve seen silicone baking sheets advertised like all hell during Christmas so I decided to my silicone cutting board as one and see if the food didn’t stick. Â So, I placed the seared toast on a baking sheet on top of the cutting board and popped it in the oven. Â After 5 minutes I pulled it out to find my toast floating on molten silicone. Â Thinking I’d lost a cutting board and baking mat, as it cooled I heard a popping noise. Â It was the cutting board solidifying and I quickly extracted the toast which didn’t appear to have any silicone on it. Â I now had a resolidified cutting board with 5 toast-shaped dents in it that came off in one piece. Â I tried a piece of the toast and it tasted….. rubbery. Â Not wanted to waste the toast I wrapped them in aluminum foil and wrote in Black Sharpie “Toast for Ryan”. Â Don’t tell him.
Even the mouse knows the difference
I was cleaning out one of my shelves when I stumbled upon two open Lexan bottles: one from OSR and one a legitimate Nalgene. Â On closer inspection, I found that a mouse had apparently taken to using one as a bathroom and I frowned, until I realized it was the OSR one. Â At least the mouse had good taste.
Even the mouse knows the difference
I was cleaning out one of my shelves when I stumbled upon two open Lexan bottles: one from OSR and one a legitimate Nalgene. Â On closer inspection, I found that a mouse had apparently taken to using one as a bathroom and I frowned, until I realized it was the OSR one. Â At least the mouse had good taste.
Recent Flavor Combos I was unimpressed with:
Chocolate Covered Hotdog
Caramel Coated Cheezit
Horseradish Ice CreaM
Cheddar Trisket & Strawberry Mini Wheats cereal
Aaron: How do you stay awake through that?
Me: I don’t, my gut prevents my head from hitting the desk so it looks like I’m writing
“Terry, what’s the secret to staying warm?”
“A BMI that’s expressed in Scientific Notation”
Someone asked me if I trained to wear shorts all winter. Â I shook my gut and replied “it takes dedication, tasty dedication”.
I accidentally purchased a pie when attempting to get a slice of carrot cake I pointed to the item using both hands, one giving the Z direction, the other giving the X direction. Â Thinking I was pointing to the item on top, I received a Sugar Free Apple Pecan pie before I could say anything. Â Oddly, this is the 2nd time this happened.
I recently purchased a pair of pants with the following string of adjectives of fatness: relaxed fit, expanded waist, pleated, double-strong fabric, stain-guard, smooth glide inseam and comfort seamed. Â Wow. Â Based on this , putting on these pants must be better than bed.
Retailers will use good looking people that could reasonable fit into the clothing but I noticed an exception.  While looking through a catalog for lab ninja pants, I found a picture for a size 56 waist pair of pants and realized if a guy of that physique needed that shirt he’d be 9 1/2 feet tall and weight 840 pounds.  Go realism!
I ripped my pants playing volleyball, but since so much fabric was torn so quickly a barametric shockwave errupted that nearly caused the ball to explode.
I purchased dinner for my father and I from Papa’s Wings on Bridgetown Pike and after ordering wings requested the light ranch dipping sauce. Â When I brought the package home, the 12 wing meal I ordered contained 5 4 oz. containers of dip, 2 ranch and 3 blue cheese. Â Pound for pound, I had more dip than meat. Â It was barely enough.
While attempting to take a seat on the R3 today  the women next to the window looked at me in this absolutely aghast face that said “I will sit next to a person but not a stack of 55 gallon drums.” After I sat down she ruffled her magazine loudly, as if that would magically reduce my volume.
I was asked at a restaurant if I’d like the soup or salad and I responded “yes”.
I have found a way to overcome the problem of insufficient cookie dough to make a yield equal to the recipe: Size each cookie as if Nicole Richie were to have it for breakfast.
I made cookies for a bake sale today based on a recipe from Good Eats. Â When finished I packed the 10 cookies onto parchment paper and wrapped them for sale. Â I later saw the recipe was sized to make 3 dozen cookies. Â Bet they’re tasty.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing
I was planning on going the 5-Color tournament today and having 8 people show up demanding I pay out the prizes I promised, which came to about 220 dollars and receiving 90 in admission. Â Thus the only way of breaking even was to win my own event. Â Instead, everyone was pleasant, we scaled back the prizes, and Mikey N. took a picture of what is arguable the largest presumably human generated turd I’ve ever seen. Â We were speculating as to what happened, and what could have caused the 4″ diameter loaf to have been pinched. Â So best we can think, someone accidentally ate a piece of roof gutter, and that is what emerged. The competing theory is that the turd was so big, it actually shat the person.