For the last day of IH 0051, my Asian instructor told us how the western paradigm of science failed to explain a number of things that could be done by people. Â One of his examples was how one could draw energy from the Earth Mother to grant people strength. Â This demonstration started with me sitting in a chair and three men and the instructor trying to lift me just using two fingers. Â They failed as the instructor stated, but after a few minutes of meditation they tried again. Â I thought they were going to succeed until I heard the first grunt of pain and felt myself falling onto the floor. Â It appears that Eastern meditation and the Earth Mother simply can’t overcome the powerful combination of a fat white man and physics.
Category: Moment of Fatness
Nick's Big and Tall, for all your blown crotch needs
I was picking up a piece of trash when I heard the distinctive ripping noise that all self-aware fat men fear. Â It is the noise of inferior stitching, mediocre materials, and a profound embarrassment. Â Oddly, this tear was at my knee, but it slowly grew up my leg as the day progressed and with four hours to go a 8″ air vent at my thigh I new action needed to be taken. Â So, during my lunch break I drove around wildly in Jersey streets I’d never seen in what was going to be a vain effort to get new pants. Â As I stepped into my vehicle the tear extended to a “America’s Funniest Home Videos” level and I had to go for broke. Â When all hope seemed lost I saw in the distance “Nick’s Big and Tall”, a look at my watch showed 4:55 PM giving me 5 minutes to find a way to due a U-turn (stupid jug handles) and buy new pants. Â At 4:59PM I bust through the door wearing my judge striped shirt, polished shoes and pants that look like they had contained a crotch-origined mortar blast and state “I need pants!”. Â The help was quick and efficient and I returned to the venue and no one was the wiser… If you’re a giant man with busted slacks in Tom’s River New Jersey I highly recommend talking to a man call Lorenzo at Nick’s Big and Tall.
Nick's Big and Tall, for all your blown crotch needs
I was picking up a piece of trash when I heard the distinctive ripping noise that all self-aware fat men fear. Â It is the noise of inferior stitching, mediocre materials, and a profound embarrassment. Â Oddly, this tear was at my knee, but it slowly grew up my leg as the day progressed and with four hours to go a 8″ air vent at my thigh I new action needed to be taken. Â So, during my lunch break I drove around wildly in Jersey streets I’d never seen in what was going to be a vain effort to get new pants. Â As I stepped into my vehicle the tear extended to a “America’s Funniest Home Videos” level and I had to go for broke. Â When all hope seemed lost I saw in the distance “Nick’s Big and Tall”, a look at my watch showed 4:55 PM giving me 5 minutes to find a way to due a U-turn (stupid jug handles) and buy new pants. Â At 4:59PM I bust through the door wearing my judge striped shirt, polished shoes and pants that look like they had contained a crotch-origined mortar blast and state “I need pants!”. Â The help was quick and efficient and I returned to the venue and no one was the wiser… If you’re a giant man with busted slacks in Tom’s River New Jersey I highly recommend talking to a man call Lorenzo at Nick’s Big and Tall.
I pooped a squirrel
I had to meet my adviser today to schedule a select admission class but the only appointment I could get was at 2:00 PM which is during another class. Hm… I got up to leave that class at about 1:55 PM and the TA asked where I was going and I blurted out “the rest room”, no one’s going to argue with that Terry, genius! Â I walked two blocks, up four flights of stairs and found my adviser was disposed, so I waited, and waited, and finally met, spent 12 seconds to fill out a piece of paper work and returned to the class still in session. Â As I walked in the door, the TA looked up again and I quickly glanced at the clock it was 2:35, I had spent 40 minutes “on the can”! Â So, I wiped fake sweat off my brow, exhaled fully and quietly said “no more Persian food for lunch”. Â Her jaw went slack and her face contorted, and I sat down triumphantly.
When are you due?
The PTQ saw me as the designated driver to do the Wawa run for lunch. Â I assembled the food for the five of us and as I approached the counter to pay the attendent said “hungry?” in that funny way that both recognized that I was shopping for multiple people and called me fat. Â After moving the 5 sandwiches, 2 cups of soup, 3 gallons of beverage, and 3 pieces of fruit next to the register, I grabbed by gut and responsed “I am buying for five.” Â I think there was about a 60% chance based on the look on her face that she thought I was pregnant.
Can't kill a deer? Settle for mastadon.
My atlatl has arrived. Â Atlatl’s are a primative weapon that was used by those in the neolithic era as a technological advancement over the spear. Â The atlatl has also recently been legalized for hunting in Pennsylvania and after stealing my brother’s hunting journal have bronzed the article. Â Note to reader: don’t bronze flammable materials, you just get a lump of bronze. Â I over came this by rewriting the headline of the article in a Sharpie on said lump of bronze. Â Later I talked with a bow enthusiast friend and he swore up and down that there’s no way a piece of bamboo and a dart could take down a deer. Â I agreed with him, that it probably could take down a 170 lb deer at 50 ft, so I’d have to settle for being able to take down a 4 ton mastadon at 150 feet. Â Damn.