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  1. The middle seat of a minivan is usually roomier than the front seat if the vehicle was built before 2005.
  2. Ask anyone going on a long trip if the have bowel problems first, if so give them diapers and ban them from approaching soda machines.
  3. Never insult the driver, even if he can’t hear you yell at him to avoid the car in the next lane because he has earbuds in.
  4. Hardee’s makes a great burger, and if it’s your first time, a wonderful solid Draino.
  5. If they have a big collection of cards, they’re probably fat, if they have good points, they’re probably pale, if they refuse to identify themselves, they’re probably that dick from the forums.
  6. Never have the last waffle made before the batter is changed at a motel breakfast bar.
  7. Red Lobster is just nice enough that poor people dress up to go there, like I did as a kid going to the Ground Round.
  8. Love handles block A/C vents.
  9. Driving at 85 but stopping every hour to pee or get gas averages out to above 65.
  10. Chicago has 80 cent tolls.  Yep, you heard me, 80 cent tolls.  I’ve never left a city with more dimes.
  11. Two people who are both light sleepers and snore should not share a room.
  12. Never insult the tournament organizer’s girlfriend.
  13. Never hit on the tournament organizer’s girlfriend.
  14. Never hit the tournament organizer’s girlfriend.
  15. Chicago apparently puts it fountains in bathrooms (broken urinal) while Philly puts them in park squares.
  16. The driver should not be allowed to participate in the time honored game of holding your breath through a tunnel if the tunnel is more than a mile long…. or there’s traffic.

Pictures coming soon.

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The drawings I’ve been scanning have gotten successively larger and more unwieldy to the point where I think I’m scanning life size drawings of art deco skyscrapers.  Put in top, start feed, get coffee, drink coffee, get more coffee, pee, answer questions about the large hadron collider and return to catch the tail end entering the scanner.

Everyone’s been really polite about how profoundly boring the job is and the person responsible for most of them asked what he could do to make this easier in the future.  My reply: make nothing that can’t fit inside a pack of cigarettes.

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I was introduced today to someone who was previously my nemesis. But now, they have a goatee where once they were clean shaven. As Star Trek has taught us, alternate universe versions of people have the opposite personally. So, I got talking with what I assumed would be the nice goateed version of the person I had previously avoided. The initial signs were good, this person had moved from marketing to product development, and had switched from using Times New Roman to Calibri (probably done automatically by Word 2007 but I’ll take what I can get). But then I began talking to him and after the word forte was pronounced “forté” and coup de grâce turned into “blow of fat” (coup de gras). I left shortly after the word irregardless was used. Maybe this doppelganger didn’t come from a universe where I’m a track star and my brother is the teetotler.

Edit: Fixed egregious spelling of goatee.

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Me: Nice handbag.
Coworker: Thanks… wait that was an insult. What’s wrong with my handbag.
Me: Well, it’s a Penthouse bag.
Coworker: Yeah, doesn’t it look nice.
Me: Do you know what Penthouse is?
Coworker: Yes…. no. *begins typing Penthouse.com into browser, SITE BLOCKED warning comes up.* Oh, no.
Me: You might now want to do that again.
Coworker: It could be something else.
Me: Maybe. *checks on iPhone, finds Penthouse Magazine. Passes to coworker* See it even has the key logo
Coworker: Where’s the key logo?
Me: Look… closer.
Coworker: Oh. Well, you’re a jerk, but a useful jerk.
Me: Thanks, I think.

The joke was on me later when a coworker asked to see my phone and Penthouse Magazine was scrawled across it.

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I started a brief project (3 months) today that consists of scanning drawings, folding them, and sorting them both digitally and physically. It’s mind numbingly boring but there are a few redeeming factors:
1) I’m paid much better than a job of this type should pay.
2) The job doesn’t follow me at home in the least, unlike camp.
3) One of the conditions of my contract was an allowance for me to wear headphones. I’ve been listening to a lot of books on tape.

After about 6 hours of this, I asked the project lead why these drawings had to be scanned before being boxed. He replied that this information was important to have to scale and that some items would be hard to produce otherwise pointing at a drawing. He picked a bad drawing to point at. It was instructions on how to make a 4″ x 4″ square out of cardboard.

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“My child has more chromosomes than your honor student” written in a crayony font was probably the most heart warming bumper sticker I saw on the way to Florida and back which got me thinking about my experiences with bumper stickers.

Up until now I’ve only created 1: “Remember: Determine in pouch from if the new laminated…” which was a memorium to the elfin dolt who game me a work order that was physically impossible.  Since then, I created a new one:

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges

Cool ain’t it?  civil libertarians that can read Latin quickly at a distance will love it.

WTF <– That links to the wikipedia sight on it.  Just don’t read the last part where you realize I learned the phrase from an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

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11 months ago, during the Great Stinkbug Scourge of 2007, I thought I killed all the bastards but have recently realized I have not.  My mistake was apparently in crushing them.  Once the stink is unleashed, the other bugs scatter delaying their eventual death as I had to wait for them to regroup.  So, I devised a new way of killing them:  I took pieces of double sided tape, stick one side to the bug and the other side to the inside of a cardboard box I’m using as a garbage can.  So I have a row of these bugs stuck with their backs to the box, flailing wildly until they eventually starve/dehydrate and die without unleashing their stench.

Alternatively, I could start raising spiders again.  I’m not sure which would be worse.

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At the last OA weekend I picked up an old copy of the Public Health merit badge book.  Not because of the content, but because of the cover:

Public Health Merit Badge Book circa 1969

Public Health Merit Badge Book circa 1969

Look at that!  That’s public health.   There are coke barons that’d kill for a setup like that.  This was followed by two images I really liked.

"You say if I drink this, boys will like me?"

"Maybe if I drink this, boys will like me."

I sure hope this helps us win the big game against State!

Finally:

Immunization Time: Cowboy Up

Immunization Time: Cowboy Up

I want to know what lucky fellow got draw the poster.  “Ok, Jim.  We need a poster that says it’s fun to be stabbed in the arm.  Think you’re up to it?”

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At the last OA weekend I picked up an old copy of the Public Health merit badge book.  Not because of the content, but because of the cover:

Public Health Merit Badge Book circa 1969

Public Health Merit Badge Book circa 1969

Look at that!  That’s public health.   There are coke barons that’d kill for a setup like that.  This was followed by two images I really liked.

"You say if I drink this, boys will like me?"

"Maybe if I drink this, boys will like me."

I sure hope this helps us win the big game against State!

Finally:

Immunization Time: Cowboy Up

Immunization Time: Cowboy Up

I want to know what lucky fellow got draw the poster.  “Ok, Jim.  We need a poster that says it’s fun to be stabbed in the arm.  Think you’re up to it?”

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Request I sent to GameServers.com tech support to switch our TeamSpeak server to Ventrilo:

Dear Imponderable Rulers of GameServers domain. Team Interrobang humbly beseeches thee and thine to change our humble TeamSpeak server to a mighty Ventrilo server such that we may gayly game in gameservers glory with superior intra-team sound quality with the same number of slots.

Response: It would be much appreciated if you could elaborate on your issue so that we can help you further.

Smooth.