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I ran into a hispanic member of housekeeping today that I hadn’t seem in a year or two and was reminded of one of my greatest moments of translingual butchery:  I was attempting to tell him to use a specific power outlet to attach the floor buffer as it overloaded the circuit and shut down down the computer on the line, after a few attempts, this is what I said translated back into English from Spanish “When you attack the floor with bee shit, do not use this electricity faucet”.

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For Christmas my brother got me a number of cooking implements that, while nice, I already owned.  One of them was a “meat tenderizer” that more accurately was a home entry deterent based on its mace-like size and faces.  In fact, if my atlatl failed me during a home invasion, this tool would be my back-up.  Anyway, I bringing it into Macy’s and after saying I want to make a return, I lift the tenderizer out of the bag quickly and raise it above my head in a somewhat grand gesture to which the store clerk flinches and recoils in fear/awe.  He then asks if I’d like to make an exchange and I indicate I’m looking for a 10″ offset spatula.  We go to the kitchen tools department and I see a display of these protein-toughness banishers and other feudalesque mockeries of kitchen implements with a sign above it that says “Housewares”.  I want to break in a replace the sign with “Armory”.

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I tried to set-up all my user accounts at work so the entire day was spent in a cycle of cloak and dagger password negotiations that was reminiscent of a NES RPG, “to get your password requires your security code held by HR, but they will only give it to you in exchange for your BMS pin and a the Crystal of K’lllashaa.  Your BMS pin is your initials with a magic four digit code in between that is only revealed during nights of a full moon”.  So, I’m talking with the man from Security trying to get my PIN which “would be tough not to know *Gay laugh*, heh heh heh”.  And I’m trying to guess it like some sort of retarded HR carnival game only to find after using up my 3 guesses and having to call my manager over that it was actually my birthday DESPITE THE FUCKING FACT THAT I HAD TO VERIFY MY ID BY GIVING MY BIRTHDAY WHEN I CALLED.

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I’ve been upstaged!  On my first day back to work I expected to be showed with roses and fine chocolates as Terry, Banisher of Confusion and Bringer of Enlightenment, but no, one of my coworkers had to go and get engaged, so all today was “Hey Ter- Oh my God that’s beautiful engagement ring”.  I will not take this injustice lightly.  When she tells everyone she’s getting married, BAM! Nobel Prize in Atlatlry, heh heh heh.

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Having purchased a large item on eBay I was hoping to pay for it via credit card but not Paypal so I could get airline miles through American Express, so I Buy It Nowed the thing and clicked “credit card” on check-out.  I shortly got a note from the seller telling me to pay via credit card and I replied that I was waiting so he sent me an invoice.  The invoice of course, simply contained the selling information.  I replied that it didn’t contain the correct information, and in response got another invoice.  I again asked how I could pay and sent, another invoice.  All said and done I’ve received 5 invoices for the same item all containing the same information and am weighing just taking a point of negative feedback against trusting this man with my credit card number.

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I donated to Wikipedia.org today.  This was my first venture into microphilanthropy and it was far more absolving than any penance the Catholic Church ever issued upon me.  Every act of arrogance and wrongness I performed was unimportant.  I cut someone off, but it didn’t matter, I donated to wikipedia.  I cursed in front of minors, but it didn’t matter, I donated to wikipedia.  I insulted the competence of a store clerk, but it didn’t matter, I donated to wikipedia.  I punched a nun while intoxicated, but it didn’t matter, I donated to wikipedia.  Donating to wikipedia has become my secular form of indulgences.  I hope that defense stands up in a court of law.

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Today I learned the harsh sting of humility in the face of jerky-making hubris.  I was talking to another staff member whose father hunts deer and mentioned that he wished he could preserve venison.  I mentioned that I thought myself skilled at creating beef jerky, to which he asked if I’d done deer jerky before and I replied “No, but I’m willing to jerk anyone’s meat”.  Note to self: Watch out for double entendres when discussing food preservation.

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I’ve found that the only time I was able to sustain reasonable levels of exercise was the brief period of time between discovering and fixing a broken treadmill and it dying in glorious battle against me (sadly, I won so we both lost) and went ot Sears to see what they in terms of treadmills.  I spoke with middle-aged salesman and non-chalantly asked if they had a treadmill with exceptional sturdiness and he directed me towards this beast.   It looked impressive (and pricy) and I mentioned that it had a much wider belt than most and that I liked that, to which he replied “yeah, it was originally so people could walk their dog on a treadmill”.  Great, I’m going to get a treadmill large enough that an entire family of Mexican illegal immigrants could use it to endurance train for a trek across the Sonoran desert.

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If you’ve driven in a car with me over the past year I’ve taken to driving with a glass of water or diet soda in my non-wheel hand and tonight, as I was driving Nick to the Lodge Executive Board meeting we came upon a police vehicle that looked like it was periodically stopping people.  As we inched closer, I thought I might have a problem in that I was drinking a dark colored beverage out of a Samuel Adams Glass, in a car with a youth both in the Boy Scout Uniform, in a car with series of dents in it and the back filled with empty beer cans and bottles for recycling that I had forgotten to put at the curb.  As we approached the cop, I was relieved to realize it was only a 3 car accident at a cross street at the cop had to park off to the side due to all the emergency rescue vehicles.