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I’m incapable of down-scaling a recipe.  I can make a double, triple or quadruple batch but not a 1/2 sized one.  So, when I made a cake that produced two rounds instead of my normal 3 I had to get create in icing.  After dismissing the idea of frosting the bottom, I started cutting divets to create holes across layers that became cream cheese frosting veins to connect the strata of sugared cheese and butter.  I was unsure if it’d turn out too rich and my answer came from a comment from a coworker:  “Terry, the frosting with cake in it was wonderful.”

Further confirmation came from the guy who kept coming in with fake questions so he’d have an excuse to coyishly have more cake.

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Today was the last day for one of my coworkers. I mourn the loss of such an adroit generator of gaffs and faux paus but I suppose even the most ersatz muse must eventually die or leave Never-Never Land. We purchased the 34 pizzas for the seven of us and after we began lapsing into the pizza coma we started telling stories as was tradition. Having had six going away parties some Pavlovian response to pizza and departure made every start telling stories about me. Periodically the tales would drift back to the real departing person but would inevitably lead back to my exploits, nay, legends. I had to leave early to see The Watchmen and someone besides the departing person said “We’ll miss you”. I feel loved.

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As the office nerd I’ve created stock speeches for purchasing home electronics.  My tablet vs. non-tablet essay was used by an entire sales department and my Mac vs. PC and XBox 360 vs. PS3 polemic has become stock office conversation for my elightened position of ‘use what all your friends use’.  Today, I purchased an entire computer via courier:

Coworker: So, do I go with Vista 32 or 64?
Me: Go with 64, it’s more secure and most of the bugs have been worked out.
*Coworker leaves and later returns*
Coworker: Does the case size matter?
Me: Not much, mid-tower cases are easier to upgrade and replace parts on if you plan on having it for a while.
*Several visits later*
Coworker:  How much RAM should I go with?
Me: Just get two gigs and buy more from a cheaper provider.
*Coworker leaves and later returns*
Coworker: How should I have them…*I cut him off*
Me: Get two 1 gig DIMMs rather than four 512 meg DIMMs.
Coworker: What about…*I cut him off*
Me: As long as the clock speed of the extra RAM is above or equal to the stuff that comes with it you’ll be fine.
Coworker: Who…*I cut him off*
Me: Doesn’t really matter, but I’m a fan of Mushkin, Corsair, OCZ, or Crucial.

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It’s been a bit of an office ritual that a coworker of mine would scan my clothing for food stains.  Most have some sort of culinary christening as despite my best efforts I usually get hit with something.  Recently, I somehow got a bit of egg under my dunlop.  The next day, I somehow managed to get a blot of ketchup on my shirt and pants positioned symmetrically about my waist like I’d dropped the Heinz bottle and caught it by kneeing myself in the bosom.

But something magical happens when I’m driving.  While eating while driving lies somewhere between road-head and the radio in terms of lethality I can safely consume an entire chicken cheese steak while driving.  Today I stunned my coworkers by eating a Chipotle steak, rice and pepper burrito one-handed with not a blot show.  Maybe if I got a MarioKart wheel or simply played Radar Love I could emulate this road-borne success at the work desk.

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I walked by the R&D Lab and saw someone standing in the lab without wearing goggles and ducked in to correct them.

It was a coworker who’d should have known better, but more damning than failing to wear goggles in an empty R&D lab was that he was rocking out to Super Tramp, head bobbing, singing a long and staring out the window longingly to “Take the Long Way Home”.  His taste wouldn’t have been a problem, if he weren’t otherwise a rock snob, chiding me for not properly identifying Klaatu’s “Attention Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” whom I thought was Paul McCartney many moons ago.

He turned his head around to the door closing, and stopped singing when he saw my grin.
Him: How much did you see?
Me: Enough, an incident like could ruin a man’s reputation.
Him: Name your terms.
Me: For now, nothing.  Next time I won’t be so generous.

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I’ve started my new “secret project” that involves a whole new type of scanning and folding.  I go to the point where I had to scan a size D drawing (22 x 34 or two sheets high and four sheets wide using a 8.5 x 11 in portrait) and our large format scanner wasn’t working.  I alerted my coworker what to do and after a while this was the best we could do: scan it in small sections, open the PDFs the small scanner creates and size the to 100%, take print screen of each section and paste it into either a paint or publisher file, convert it to greyscale and then print it as a PDF.  I gave this method a test drive and am proud to say it only takes around 32 times longer than simply using the large scanner when it is working properly.

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I’m engineering a campaign to rename my otherwise dull-pepper coworker “giggles”.  I began planting seeds and went to begin plastering his Facebook walls with references to him as “giggles” only to find he’d already been given another nickname by a friend “faggot pants”. Don’t think I’ll be spreading that one around at work.

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On Fridays I attempt both the Friday and Saturday Scrabble Calendar puzzle and today I solved both correctly:

Provide three anagrams for SERIF that end in S (fries, fires, reifs)
And another where I needed to make a seven letter word with the rack given (AEIIRTZ) and a free S, (SATIRIZE)

Which prompted the following:

Boss: Terry, is everything ok?
Me: Yeah, why?
Boss: On my way out earlier I saw you yelling “IN YOUR FACE!” at your desk and wanted to make sure there wasn’t a problem.

Far from, I look forward to remembering my ignorance come Tuesday when I have three days worth of fail to endure.

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A few days ago I asked a coworker what he was doing with 400 gallons of liquid nitrogen, then he just grinned and today I found out.  He finished his test work and then we looked for something cool we could dunk in liquid nitrogen and subsequently smash.  We scanned the building for plants, flowers, bushes and the like with no success: all the plants were fake, no one had flowers or plants on their desks and all the leaves were off the trees.  Nothing even vaguely cool to break.  I tried the standby of a rubber stopper, even at -178° it didn’t break.  Like a Twilight Zone episode there was nothing cool to break.  Disheartened, we settle for shattering some plastic netting which formed a jagged crown.  It will forever be a warning to those who plan to get extra liquid nitrogen, but don’t plan enough to get cool shit to break with it.

-Edited: My spelling and grammar blew, my apologies to eyes stabbed by my slovenliness.