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Boss:  We need 30 of these made, how long will it take you?
Me: Well, each setup takes about 15 minutes so, I’d say 15 hours.
Boss: But that’s enough time to make 60.
Me: Have you ever done this process?  It’s mindless process intersperse with ones that require mental focus capable of bending spoons.  I have to take a coffee break every five or my brain will simultaneously explode from over-use and atrophy.
Boss: Yeah, I’ve done it once or twice myself.  I’ll give you three days.

That’s empathy.

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There are two time sinks I encounter: Saw sharpening and ax sharpening.  Saw sharpening occurs in cases where a little prep work could save a lot of task time.  The name comes from someone having difficulty cutting wood with a dull saw.  Someone suggests they sharpen the saw to which they reply “I don’t have any time, I’ve got all this wood to saw”.  Ax sharpening comes from a story of a guy who wants to cut some wood but first sees his ax is dull.  So before he can cut he needs to sharpen his ax, but first has to replace his whetstone, but first he needs to fix a flat tire…

My boss was out to meetings most of today and at the end asked me what I did.

Me: Depends, either one thing or eight things.
Him: What was the one thing?
Me: Installed a UPS
Him: What were the eight things?
Me: I  added InstallCleanup to fix an Office install, so I could add Java, so I could add Firefox, so I could overcome network configuration, so I could load the configuration url, so I could set the “boot on power return” to “no”, so I could use the UPS.
Him: Sounds like an efficient wasteful day.

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My new boss showed me a process today and I documented it.

Me: How exact do you want this?
Him: As exact as you can manage.

–20 minutes later–

Him: Ok, read back the last few steps.
Me: Remove the pegs from the alignment board, remove second piece of backing paper flip over the stack and apply second film.  Curse loudly at realizing you shouldn’t have flipped it.  Declare that this is a stupid material and start over.
Him: Sounds good.

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I returned to my previous job today and found little had changed:

  • Someone had broke the hydrogen sulfide generation and detection test unit, a complicated device whose mastery has given me the title “The fart whisperer”.
  • A coworker wished me a “happy Columbus Day Observed”.
  • Someone came in looking for test items that had been brought in on Friday.  My coworker was unsure where it was and he told the requester to “ask Terry, he’s been here for a while” except that I had been back for three hours at that point.

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Before restarting for my next 24 month stint as general technical guy I had to complete some re-employment paperwork for the contracting agency.  I arrived and was seated in a waiting area surrounded by people ranging from those applying to maintain surgical robots to people that would be grocery stocking agents.  The paperwork had some interesting sections:

  • The papers were presented out of order and didn’t include a declarations section which would normally define what things like “The Company” and “The Contractor” meant.  So, I read the re-employment documentation as if I were literally working for The Company®.
  • The room next to me had thin walls and I was hearing a conversation between two people about how one of them wasn’t ready for the responsibility of being a stock person at Crate and Barrel.
  • One document had an explicit warning on it “This document does not constitute a legal agreement.  Failure to comply with this document will result in termination”.   Sounds kinda legal to me.
  • Another document contained the line “This document may only be modified by the president”.  This was struck through with pen as were a few other sections.  That’s  a pretty good work around.

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My former employer kept me well stocked on hand cream.  Notionally, this was a prophylactic against bacterial infiltration but having never encountered any covered in bodily fluids I used it to keep my hands soft.  My excess stock made its way home and for the last few years my household  has also benefited from soft hands. Today, drought struck:

Dad: We’re out of hand cream, can you grab some more sometime? I liked the stuff you got last time.
Me: Nope.  Got those work.
Dad: How do we get more?
Me: Buy some, possibly Rite-Aid.
Dad: What other options?
Me: Steal it from a hospital.
Dad: Do you have anyone on the inside that can get us some?
Me:  Dad, man up and buy some hand lotion.

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A coworker’s wife received a call regarding several thousand dollars being sent to her from an American ex-pat in China that would be hers if she’d pay the escrow fees so he could sneak the rest of his fortune out of the middle kingdom; a standard Nigerian 419 scam.  She was unsure of what to do so she transferred the call to her husband who immediately recognized what was going on and transferred the call to a coworker that has a certain way with telemarketers.  By the time he was done:

  • The caller had spent 45 minutes on the phone, of which 20 were while the coworker went to the bathroom and got some coffee.
  • The caller promised to cover the medical bills for his wife’s car accident (which happened) and his daughter’s nose job (which didn’t).
  • The caller agreed to send the details of the transaction to “ima.crook@fbi.gov”.

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We went out for pizza to celebrate my final departure.  This is the sixth such luncheon of which 4 were deemed to be “final”.  I had no parting wisdom, the well-wishes were dull, and the pizza was copious; all in all, the overwhelming feeling was relief.  This was driven home with last interaction with one coworker:

Him: Hey, you’ve been a lot of help around here and there’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you.
Me: Yes?
Him: Can I have your iPod dock?

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I went over the documentation to apply for unemployment after doing a 26-hour marathon THERE ARE COMPUTERS TO FIX day at work.  The top line said “please complete honestly”, ok, I can do this.

Question 1: Are you ready and willing to immediately begin full-time employment? O Yes   O No

That question seriously lacks a “Kinda, give me a day or two” option.

Question 2: Do you plan on doing most of your job seeking in New Jersey? O Yes   O No

Damn… This is going to be harder than I thought.

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I moved out the bulk of my personal stuff today including the wall of photos I’d printed and brought in.  Some people noticed how bare the walls were but not everyone took it so well:

Coworker: Why did you take the pictures down?Edit
Me:  I wanted to take them down while the weather was nice outside.
Coworker: I wasn’t done looking at them.
Me: They’ve been up for months.
Coworker: Now the wall looks empty because of you.  I’m glad you’re leaving.