Coworker: Terry, was there something wrong with that cake?
Me: What do you mean by wrong?
Coworker: Was it what you had planned going into it?
Me: No, not by any means. Â What made you think that?
Coworker: Well, the chocolate later over the graham cracker came out of nowhere and the cake bits were too square. Â You usually don’t go for presentation so we though maybe you dropped it and made that instead.
Me: Nah, it just cooked oddly so I had to cut it up ahead of time and find something to do with it.
Coworker: And you probably just had some strawberries lying around? Â They seemed pretty sweet and that’s a sign that they’re near the end of their life.
Me: That’s pretty astute. Â Any thoughts?
Coworker: Ditch the dark chocolate, otherwise everyone in marketing likes what we’ve dubbed your MacGuyver cake.
Tag: work
Next Skill
Me: Jon, which of the following should I do, learn to eat fire or learn to jump onto a moving freight train?
John: Easy, moving freight train. If you really want to get around, try learning to use speed stilts.
Me: Speed stilts?
John: Yeah, they’re huge in Prague. Speed stilts or become whatever species Taylor Swift is.
Me: What do you mean?
John: Think about it, she’s got 40 inch legs no larger than a guard rail.
Me: Normal bones could hold that.
John: She could probably get going pretty fast. She also has fatty deposits around her eyes, she’s probably from a desert planet. And everyone likes her.
Me:Â Pheromones?
John: No, it works through television. I think it’s probably some form of hypnosis. *coffee sip*
The Non-Wife
John: Terry’s banana bread is pretty good. You should try it, Tihn.
Tihn: Nah, I’m waiting for him to bring meatballs in again.
Me: You could solve that problem by bringing in something.
Tihn: But my wife doesn’t cook.
Me: Neither does mine…
What I Do
A problem had occurred in the CDN that supplies images to the online store I maintain for my firm so I spent today re-uploading pictures of undergarments.  It was straight forward and necessary and had no problem doing it but at an irreducible level I had spent my day looking at underwear.  I’m not sure if I should feel dirty or lucky.
Roll
Me: Do you mind if I just take a roll?
Cashier: Rolls are free with food.
Me: But I’m not buying anything else.
Cashier: Buy something else then.
Me: How about saying it came with the breakfast I had this morning?
Cashier: But you’re not buying breakfast now.
Me: Well, I’m here to pick up the roll I forgot from breakfast.
Cashier: Breakfast doesn’t come with rolls.
Me: Then how much is just a roll?
Cashier: 50 cents.
Me: No.
Cashier: 25 cents.
Me: Fine. *pulls out a quarter, the amount I had planned on paying if it came to this*
Cashier: Alright, 25 cent roll *hits register buttons* that’ll be 27 cents.
Me: *holding quarter* Nothing is ever simple is it? *Hands cashier a 20*
I now have enough change for 74 more rolls…
Bamboozle Attack
Secure File Transfer Protocol, SFTP, is a common method to move files across networks without letting other people snoop on them. Â A 3rd party wanted to use SFTP to drop inventory files on a computer and I put in a request with the in-house technical team to do this. Â My ticket to our desktop support person was “please open port 22 to SFTP traffic. Â I need move files securely and port 80 will not do.”
Later, I was called by a very confused networking person who after some talking sent me the original request made of him from desktop support.  My original request  had been recorded as “Please open 22 additional ports so SFTP traffic can move files securely.  80 ports will not do.”
Thanks for Stopping By
Boss #3: Terry, we need to update user fields to include some referral information, that’s why I asked you to stop by.
Me: Ok. I’ll add that to the information we collect.
Boss #3: Good. Thanks for stopping by.
Me: If you need anything else just email or message me.
Boss #3: Nah, I like when you stop by, you should do it more often.
Noted.
About six hours later, I decided to give a try at casually stopping by so I found reasons to be in that other wing of the building and repeatedly walked by that person’s door. Each time, my boss was either on the phone, meeting with someone, or looking out the window. On the fifth pass he saw me.
Boss #3: I guess I never realized how much time you spent on this side of the building.
At least I was on the clock for what I’m now going to call my Communication Attack Runs.
I Know Your Secret
A coworker returned to work after recovering from a leg injury and we talked in the mail room. She lamented not being able to walk to the lab for baked goods so I offered to bring her down a sample tray. She was excited about this and we started talking.
Her: I’ve been away for a few weeks, it looks like you’ve lost weight.
Me: I lose about 1.75 lbs a week.
Her: But you’ve lost more than that overall.
Me: About 165 from my peak.
Her: Interesting, where did you have your surgery done?
Me: Surgery?
Her: Bariatric surgery.
Me: None.
Her: Oh.
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Duck Farts Revisited
Boss: I keep hearing something that sounds like a goose call and then it smells.
Coworker: That’s Terry.
Boss: Â Nah, I’ve worked with Terry for years, his farts are like thunder.
Coworker: This is his new fart noise.
Boss: You can change it?
Coworker: Or it can change.
Boss: Terry.
Me: Yes?
Boss: Good work.
Me: Thanks.
New Tool in the Box
Boss #2: Terry, will you show me how to do a plot on the big printer when you get a chance?
Me: Ok, or I could do it.
Boss #2: You could?
Me: Yeah, I do kind of sit in your area, have a computer provided by you, eat in your area, sometimes sleep in your area, and have a cost center for your area.
Boss #2: So you’re saying, I can give you things to do, and you will do them?
Me: I’ll bill you for it, but yes.
Boss #2: That’s wonderful.
Me: Just tell me what you need.
*20 minutes later*
Boss #2: Oh, Terry.
Me: Yes?
Boss #2: I have a… ahem, job for you to do. Â *chuckle*
Me: What is it?
Boss #2: I need you to print something. Â I’m too busy with other things to do it so I figure I’d have you do it.
Me: It does make sense that you’d give to me tasks that you can’t do that I can.
Boss #2: *winks at me, laughs*
I wish all bosses were so easy to please.