My brother cleaned out the fridge again, this time more completely.  Who’s got two thumbs and 45 packets of Taco Bell Mild Taco sauce? This guy!  I also learned that if you don’t put a big fuckin’ bottle of ketchup in front of the light bulb, one doesn’t need a head lamp to find left over noodle-caboodle.

Ryan: I like hot better than cold.
Me: Nah, when it’s cold, I can add clothing, when it’s too hot, there’s only so much I can take off.
Marcus: Unless you took off your skin…
10 minutes later, here’s where things were:
Marcus: Well, I guess we’ll just have to skin a monkey in space and settle this once and for all, smart man.

Later, an argument arose over the tastiest food ever, I stated ice cream cake and Ryan said something about a basketball, Marcus simply replied: The orgasm sandwich.
Me: What the hell’s that?
Marcus: The best sandwich ever.
Me: Well, you got me on that one.

I left for work at 4:20 AM in an attempt to beat one of my co-workers in that always seems to beat me by 10 minutes.  I rolled into the parking lot at 5:05 AM and saw my nemesis’ normal parking spot empty and I pumped my fist in triumph until I saw that his car was parked in the back of the lot under the only shaded spot in the parking lot for protection from the mid-day sun.  I also saw that the lights in his lab were on and I consigned myself to the knowledge that he never leaves.  Later that day:
Me: Paul’s beat me into work every day this week, I left home before 4:30 and he was still here first.
Kate: Paul left for the UK yesterday evening.
Me: How’d he get to the airport?
Kate: He was picked up by an airport shuttle.
Me: Then why were the lights on this morning?
Kate: I forgot to turn off the lights last night.
Me: I win!
Your work-life is good when your goal is to beat a 60 year-old man into work and you got to bed at 8:00 PM to reach that goal.

Spring has begun, I tried to mow the lawn.  You can tell your house has fallen into dis-repair when you have to mow your brick patio.  Otherwise, the mowing was easy with the exception of the horny-teenage-like mower’s inability to be turned off.  I did what any reasonable person would do, I piled up a bunch of leaves and shoved some sticks into it and ran the mower over it until the blade stopped.  I then counted to 10 and pulled the stick out praying it wouldn’t start up again.  At which point my dad ran out and told me the correct way to turn it off: pump the oxygen input until smoke comes out and then pull the spark-plug out fastest enough to now burn yourself but slow enough to not have it spark and light the leaves on fire.  The wisdom of age.

Troop 153 wanted me to run Environmental Science so I met them at the lawn of Assumption Church and we started identifying plant species and naming relationships.  The whole time people were beeping at us yelling insults and jibes as they passed and finally one kid asked me why.  A bunch of Boy Scouts in uniform identifying flowers on a church lawn let by a fat man, what’s there to insult?

I received an offer today in the mail to insure our family dog, Max.  I called in to get a quote and went into actuary mode.
Me: What’s the monthly premium for an 4-year old All-American (PC term for mutt bastard child)?
CSR: Does your pet have any existing problems?
Me: He doesn’t know what leg to raise when he pees so he usually pegs himself in the foot when he takes a whiz.  He also likes cat food.
CSR: Okay, the monthly premium with 13,000 year maximum and $100 deductible is 89.99 a month for unlimited visits.
Me: That’s more expensive than my health insurance, do you have a like a doggy HMO?
CSR: No sir, the plan is very expansive, and you can’t put a price on good pet health.
Me: Yes you can, that’s exactly what health insurance does.  Do you have any discount for multiple pets?
CSR: We do, group plans contain a higher per-event limit in case of multiple medical incidents. * I hang up*
Great, just in case my cat tries to butt-fuck my dog and they both get kitty-herpes there’ll be a higher limit.  Wahoo.
I want to call back and talk to their actuaries.  It’s tough enough to do it for people but what about dogs, they’ve got to have a table for each species.  And what about mutts? Do they average the data for the different species?
“My dog looks a shepard/retreiver mix but my brother swears he’s a Rhodesian Nigger-hater (that’s actually what my brother calls him) with a little pitt-bull, do you have a chart for that?”
“Yes we do, does he look like he’s shiv someone if you messed with his ho or does he prefer to play fetch?”
“Ho shivving variety”
“That’ll be $29 a month”
“What if he eats turds?”
“That’s covered under our turd-muncher rider policy”
“Thank you.”

I learned something today-
Joe: Tell me when to turn.
Anthony: Okay, coming up here, turn left.
Joe: Okay.
Anthony: Left
Joe: I’m turning left
Anthony: No, LEFT!
Joe: I’M TURNING LEFT!!!
Anthony: Oh, dear, I meant right.  Don’t tell anyone about this.
Joe, good job for taking the high road and not telling anyone.

The Order of the Arrow is the BSA’s totally non-secret *wink* organization to promote camping *nudge* where folks go through an “ordeal” to see if they hot shit.  In reality, it’s a day where we talk hormone enraged 12-16 year olds (mostly) and tell them to shut up, not eat, work hard, and sleep outside.  It’s wonderful.  Some take to it better than others.
Me: You look like you have something to say.
Candidate: I do.
Me: Well, what is it?
Candidate: I can’t say, I’m under a vow of science.
Good job, kid.

As an added bonus, sometimes professional Scouts go through the Ordeal as a way of saying “I’m will to partake in your ‘program’ in exchange for being paid to be a decent person”.  This weekend, Sandi Leonard was working at Kirby as a candidate and was getting ready to have a sandwich for lunch which is significantly more than the traditional 2 pieces of bread, a piece of cheese and an orange.  James Grove, takes her sandwich cuts it in 1/4, removes the meat, lettuce, and tomato, jams a napkin in it and puts it in the corner.  Many would consider this hazing, unless you’ve sat through an FOS presentation.

A new person started in the mailroom at work and had to distribute the packages to the 2nd floor.  He dropped something off and asked me where the next person on his list was.  I directed him to the proper office, he thanked me for being the first helpful person and 10 minutes later the person returned and asked about the next person on the list.  I directed him to that office which was literally two feed from the other office and 10 more minutes later he returns again.  This repeated about 4 times for a net loss of 40 minutes to ask me where four people whose offices were next to each other sat.  Later, I went by the mailroom to check the temperature and humidity and he points me out to his boss as “the time saver”.  I pray on Monday he doesn’t start asking me about people in other buildings or that he discovers my phone number.

Day after food shopping usually means cleaning the fridge, today was no exception.
Things found in fridge that were removed-
Rice pudding made of butterscotch, 1/2 and 1/2, day old rice and raisins in vanilla pudding mix
A deer steak marked best purchased by 04/01/07
1/2 and 1/2 container which now held yogurt
Yogurt container that now held penicillin
Pencillin container (brother was drunk when he took his antibiotics)
The carcass of a turkey I though I’d turn into a good stock, from around Christmas
A piece of birthday cake (devoured before it hit garbage)
Max’s face (he loves fish, or what he thinks is fish but is actually Chinese food from the Han dynasty)