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It has literally be five months since anyone has gone food shopping.  We’d consumed just about everything to the point where I was marinading 4 month old venison  in Italian dressing and Arby’s Horsey Sauce to serve with broccoli florets emancipated from a solid block of ice.  Today that ended.  And it was good.  I repeatedly looked at things on the shelves and said to myself “that looks good” or “I’ll enjoy broiling that”, I’d then look at my AmEx card, and place the item in the card while giggling like a school girl.  I repeated this from about produce to cereal before it wore off, it again return when I found cheese and ice cream that were buy one get one free.

I brought in the food and immediately had some yogurt, a pickle and 3 pieces of fruit.  I was saddened that there were more things I wanted to consume but couldn’t due to insufficient stomach capacity when I noticed that the walls of my kitchen featured cabinetry I could use for storage, thus allowing me to consume them later! How did no one think of this previously?

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I went out for ribs with my mother and was a bit overdressed for the “Duck Deli” as I had come straight from work.  The ribs were a bit fatty and I knew Max (our dog) would love it so I asked for a doggie bag.  The server looked at me quizzically so I repeated the request calling it a meat shrapnel bag and she nodded her head.  The server returned with a paper-fucking-bag.  So, I did what anyone in my position would do: I loaded the meat into the bag and poured the dipping butter for the hush puppies on top for good measure.  As the bag became saturated I began putting the bag on the chairs leaving nice butter marks and whipped my mouth with the curtains on the way out.  As the bag neared breaking I asked for another bag and got a 10 gallon trash bag.  This is my new favorite restaurant.

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There were a lot of streaks on the floor today from someone’s shoes, I asked and the co-worker I recently can’t stand cut in with the following:

Him: They’re probably yours.  You’re so fat you can’t help but leave shoe marks.  It’s ok, Terry.

The oddity was, that immediately before he said this, another coworker admitted that she had streaky shoes but he decided to advance his theory any way.  I look forward to more of his awkward and idiotic claims about the influence of my carriage on the surrounding environs.

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For years I’ve champions a more triumphant form of obesity than most.  Leveraging my heft and carriage for good rather that evil.  Today, though I reached a barrier that the fat/muscle scale shifted too far towards the latter.  I had a rash because of soap that got caught in my dunlop.  I’ve become a bad example for impressionable fat people.  For the future of America’s fat youth, I must retain my mantle as being gloriously fat rather than slovenly fat.  Once I finish my chocolate chicken pot pie.

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I saw Run Fatboy Run yesterday.  I had a coupon for a free small popcorn.  That was unlikely to be sufficient.  Through the magic of cargo pants I snuck in the following:

  • 1 bag of dried fruit
  • 1 bag of trail mix
  • 1 24 oz Pepsi Max
  • 1 16 oz Wawa Strawberry Milk
  • 1 bag of beef jerky
  • 1 box of Fig Newtons

I was most proud of the Fig Newtons.  Physics initially said no until I realized the main pockets were bigger than the cargo pockets.

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I was looking up information on Martin Spekter, the inventor of the interrobang when I found this:

Don’t Die Alone

I’m not sure what’s funnier, the Don’t Die Alone referring to the article being about a professional typographer or the “Fat Secret” product is appears to be touting. I want to get into the niche market of online ads that make people painfully aware of their own mortality.

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I did my monthly soda run yesterday and no longer needed to use my morning coffee voucher to get diet cola, so I got the French Vanilla girly coffee which I’m delighted to have found punishes neither my colon nor rectum.   Dashing for the train, the coffee was left ignore.

Hours later I returned remembering the coffee and eyeing up its semi-warmness but waited.  I dumped the coffee into a cup and started adding cherry cola and took a swig.

Flavor: Remember those little cherry stickers you got in 3rd grade that had little smiling cherries on them?  Imagine there was also a smiling coffee bean sticker that practiced sticker cannibalism and bit the cherry, and then you drunk his urine.  Same flavor, same temperature, although the effect dropped as the soda fraction jumped.  I doubt anthropomorphic fruit-stickers have carbonated urine, but they may, they’re anthropomorphic fruit-stickers.

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Fresca has always had a special place in my stomach as the only thing vaguely grapefruit-like that I’ll consume. So when I saw Peach Citrus Fresca on sale I grabbed a 12 pack and dove in.

Flavor: You remember those peach rings that typically come in the bulk candy section of convenience stores usually under great names like “CandyZ” or “Fruit Fuid”? Well, take a half full of them, and let them steep in flat ginger-ale overnight. Garnish with lemon pith and you have yourself the Peach Citrus Fresca.

Goes with: If you’re the kind of person that smokes while on the patch, down these with some peach rings and wait for a kidney to shut down in protest. Alternatively, it may become palpable with some sort of Mandarin chicken or onion mango salad. I think it’d be interesting to try and marinade pork in it, and by interesting I mean a crime against porcine rights.

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Kyle called me with a shirt recommendation and I’m seriously pondering it.  For Every Animal I’ll Eat Three was a slogan started by normal omnivores to help counterbalance the supposed moral crusade of vegetarians.  This is kind of the “scaled retribution” tactic so popular with Israel but applied to dietary considerations.  I do find it nice that it’s available in 4x for the larger man, but wish it were available in the much more thinning black.

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Kyle called me with a shirt recommendation and I’m seriously pondering it.  For Every Animal I’ll Eat Three was a slogan started by normal omnivores to help counterbalance the supposed moral crusade of vegetarians.  This is kind of the “scaled retribution” tactic so popular with Israel but applied to dietary considerations.  I do find it nice that it’s available in 4x for the larger man, but wish it were available in the much more thinning black.