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This post does not have humor as its primary purpose.  Live with it.

If you’ve seen the commercials for “Expelled” you’ve seen Ben Stein raise his hand and “where life came from?” as some sort of polemic directed against evolution.  This is simply ridiculous as it’s not evolution’s job to explain that.  Evolution steps in the moment life exists to explain how it changes and a damn fine job it’s done and doesn’t attempt to explain origins.  Requiring that it explain life’s origin would be like insubstantiating classical mechanics because while it can explain the motion of the ball it can’t explain where the ball came from.  Gha….

As a side note, Expelled Exposed has a wonderful run down of the errors of both omission and comission it commits.  If anyone wants to go see it with me and sit there and probably be angry for a few hours afterwards, I’m game.

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I purchased a chicken cheesesteak today from the local Quikchek or what ever butchered spelling it uses and was miffed when I got the wrong sandwich.

Me: This is a turkey grinder, I ordered the chicken cheesesteak.
Sandwich Lady:  We’re out of chicken, so I switched it with another meat from the same animal.

He reasoning was so flawless I couldn’t argue.

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My co-worker out on maternity leave has become the proud mother of a healthy baby boy.  As is tradition, the office in boxes were spammed with descriptions, health updates and pictures.  One of my co-workers without Internet access came in, saw the plethora of messages, read them and then shouted “yes!”

Me: So, happy for her and her child.
Him: I’m mostly happy for her child.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: The baby’s name is James.  That’s a normal name.
Me: So.
Him: Every member of her family is either named after a virtue, prophet or Biblical king name, maybe he’ll be the first one in his family to turn out normal.

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I found out the security captain at work was the one responsible for giving our new ID badges.  Time for a complicated scheme to get him back for stopping me from stealing scrap on Friday…

I walked over to his office holding my ID badge in its plastic case by the extensible part that attaches to my belt.

Me: I’d like to get a new plastic case for my badge *Hands captain badge holder, he grabs it by the large part that contains the ID*
Security Captain:  *Flips it around in his hand* Nothing looks wrong, why do you need a new case?
Me: I dropped the part that contains the ID into the toilet before flushing.

He nearly fell off of his chair in the process of throwing the badge at the garbage can.

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I finally figured out why my BA 4196 instructor is effectively ignoring me.  He’s switched where he stands during class from behind the front podium to into the area where the desks actually are, and because of some interesting neurological phenomena that accompany some types of cateracts he doesn’t realize anyone on my side has their hand raised.  Then, he’ll ask if anyone has any questions.  Someone on the other side of the room and he’ll pan his head until his good eye sees me and I’ll ask my question.  He then looks back at the person who pointed out that I had my hand raised with a quizzical look as though through a system of classroom telepathy the other guy was made aware of my hand.  Once I figured this out, I started asking a lot more questions.  The instructor does his little surprise act every time like clockwork.

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After the Camporee, Teejay Green, Valerie Green and I got together for gravity ribs at the Churchville Inn.  It was 6:58 and I needed to be there by 7 PM, so needless to say, I was early.  I got a table and while waiting dicked around with my new IR thermometer shooting various things around my room and discovered that while my normal drink at home with 3 small ice cubes is 38°F on average, a full glass of ice yields soda closer to 33°F.  Anyway, while waiting, I listened to the conversation at the table next to me that had apparently just learned that Dumbledore was gay when the kid piped up and said “Next we’ll find our that Harry’s a damn Jew.”

Remember, start your kids down the road of life-long projectionism with an early dose of anti-Semitism….

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For years I’ve champions a more triumphant form of obesity than most.  Leveraging my heft and carriage for good rather that evil.  Today, though I reached a barrier that the fat/muscle scale shifted too far towards the latter.  I had a rash because of soap that got caught in my dunlop.  I’ve become a bad example for impressionable fat people.  For the future of America’s fat youth, I must retain my mantle as being gloriously fat rather than slovenly fat.  Once I finish my chocolate chicken pot pie.

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During final retreat at the Camporee I got a bit bored standing around and started making loud non-descript drill sergeant noises like ” Whiii hup tooooo!” and “aaafff, awwlight ee marrr”.  Some people started giggling while others started going to attention, saluting, turning, tipping their flag and other things sometimes along and sometimes in small groups trying to figure out what was happening.  It all stopped when the real guy in charge arrived and I yelled “am riii hooo” and then went to attention.

Wanna command a retreat?  Drop every leading and ending consonant on words and quadruple the length of words that end in “o” or “i”.  Try it!

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The camporee was horrible, I’ll just say that and move on…

Anyway, the Robinsons don’t have a home phone and haven’t for many years.  We use Vonage in house and when we miss a call I receive a mp3 in my email to hear.  Today I found out what problems this could cause.  We’d been called by Qunnipiac University for an opinion poll and I missed it.  I love political polls, for a brief instant, I’m a number instead of a person, but I’m an influential number.  For a shining moment, net neutrality would register as a blip on the national radar and someone would say “NO” to “are you concerned about American jobs going overseas”.  I missed that.  I cried at first, and then I had ribs and then I cried again.  I find good ribs moving.

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There’s a new guy at work.  He’s pretty dumb.  Maybe it’s because he’s uncoordinated, but I think dumb is a simple cover.  I showed him how to do a test to determine the capacity of an ostomy pouch.  It’s about as tricky as you think it is:  You take a pouch, fill it with water, and empty the pouch measuring how much water comes out, oooooo.  It took this guy 6 tries.  I had to change my lab coat because he covered me in food-colored water, twice.  There was a total variance of about 40% in his measurements, I’m confident someone could have a seizure while doing the test and get more consistent results.

He also talks on his phone a lot, one my pet peeves in the lab.  We don’t deal with flesh-eating bacteria or toxic chemicals, but still it’s a lab.  He talks loudly and in some variation of Mandarin or Cantonese but he sounds like he’s making it up as he goes along.  I’ve heard people yell into a cell phone before in most languages used in China but his just didn’t sound right.  He also wears T-shirts to work.  T-shirts…  We’re a testing lab, but please, some decorum.