I tried to extend my run of not talking and was able to go through Lowes, the post office, the library (real easy), and the UPS store without talking or really having to interact at all.  I went to Taco Bell in an attempt to break my silence but was able to order by pointing to the combos listed on the counter.  Even beverage selection was without issue as I just got an empty cup.  At this point, my length of silence seemed to be limited only by how long I wanted to go without talking to my dad.  I did well at first just shrugging and smiling.  I don’t know if he knew what I was doing but he issued a statement I couldn’t let slide: I think the glucosamine supplements are helping Max.  My response very much made up for my time of quiet.

Any vow can be broken to stop woo.

The fluorescent bulb in the kitchen blew and I wanted to find out when Lowes and Home Depot would open.  Both of these sites are currently down for maintenance.  This is the third time this has happened with this site pair in my experience.  I wonder if they sync this through dark BBSs and email chains or through steganographic Facebook status updates like “The phoenix is constructing its nest”.  Alternatively, I wonder if one plays king-maker and goes into maintenance mode forcing the other to do the same so they won’t be down at different times later.  I wonder if the technicians behind the sites have races to see who can get their site back up first passing some sort of golden…. bit back and forth to he who can refactor the fastest.  Or maybe it’s like the Christmas Armistice during WWI where they both finish their stuff and use their now-empty fat pipe to host sweet LAN parties where the two sides challenge each other to double-shotgun matches in Modern Warfare 2.  Or maybe it’s just a coincidence and many sites go down early Sunday morning so their servers can go to church.

Sometimes I wish I were a kook and could take one of these observations and turn it into a full-blown obsession.  Maybe one day I’ll set aside some time and give it a sporting try.

The mice have figured out how to pass by the palisade of alcohol which normally keeps our two worlds separate and with that our primary cabinet for cereal has been expanded to crackers and mouse poop in terms of uneaten contents.  I went to Lowes’ to buy mousetraps and was curious about a new type of sticky traps that seemed to have embedded pesticides.  My two favorite went under the grade name of “euthanol” and “genonide”.  They were probably going to market something with “holocaustium” until the Anti_defamation League convinced them otherwise.

I went to Lowes to get some wire management stuff and was stopped in the parking lot by a man trying to sell me a Lowes card.  Normally, I’d politely decline, but the pieces didn’t quite fit, and I was going to call him out on it.  First off, he was standing in the middle of parking row rather than near the door, second he was looking around crazy shifty and third he picked me out.

Guy: Hey, I have a $200 Lowes card that I’m to sell it.
Me: No thank you.
Guy: But you can use it for the stuff you’re going to buy anyway.
Me: I’m only getting about $3.00 in stuff. I have no need for a gift card.
Guy: It’s not a gift card, you can use it for anything.  I just lost my job, help a guy out.
Me: I’m sorry where from?
Guy: *Pause* Lowes.
Me: So you bought a gift card from the Lowes you worked at.  Is that your truck you were leaning against?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: It says FOX carpentry.*Awkward silence*
Guy: So are you going to get the card or not?  You can take it inside and see that it’s legit.
Me: I’ll give you $30 for it.
Guy: I was looking for $150.
Me: $20.  Final offer.
Guy: *Walks away in frustration*

The guy was also holding a receipt from Lowes the whole time. Had he allowed me probe further I would have asked him about that.  At least the pushers at Temple had tight backstories when they tried to tell you shit.

I have many boxes of Magic cards and the bulk total is about 60,000.  I stack them in cardboard boxes but over time, their shear weight crushes these boxes leading me to replace these boxes annually at a cost of about 24 dollars (8 5000 ct boxes at 3 dollars a piece after tax).  I hypothesized that I could double the lifetime of a box by putting it on shelves.  Being an actuary, assuming a 5% annual rate of return and 10 years more of Magic I could spend 95 dollars on getting kickin’ shelves and come out ahead actuarially, which is how I’d always preferred to come out (… I should probably rephrase that).

I tell my dad of my revelation and head to Lowes, hit home organization and see the $60 black matte shelf unit I wanted.  I pump my fist in actuarial triumph and grab the box and two extra $12.00 shelves… which are only available in chrome.  I put the shelf unit box down and go to the chrome shelving unit and stop in horror upon seeing it’s a model-busting $75.  I could have off color shelves but then how could I sleep at night?  Could I be so callous and just let my model?  I sigh, grab the chrome shelf unit and slump home.  I get home, and my dad asks me why I look so glum to which I respond: “My model couldn’t survive my dedication to looking fabulous.”

Afterword:  If I can get the boxes to last 16 months, my model will live again.  Keep this cardboard in your thoughts and prayers.

I was walking into Lowes to get some stuff to make a new batch of atlatl darts when I spotted two severe-looking men in an old station wagon wearing all black as well as matching balaclavas parked out front frantically looking back and forth between the door and the surrounding parking lot.  The idea of two people holding up a Lowes crossed my mind but a Lowes has to be a damn hard thing to hold up due to its heavy reliance on credit and POs as well as its open layout, numerous places to hide and offerings for the ingenius victim to create some rather interesting countermeasures.  I thought of how to combine circular saw blades, a door frame and shock cords to deadly efficiency but my dreams of home improvement counter insurgency died when an old women dressed in pink carrying the ugliest collection of wallpaper imaginable walked out and made her way into the back seat of the car.  If that person had been my mother and I’d been seen with her, I’d camouflage myself and look around frantically too.

I was walking into Lowes to get some stuff to make a new batch of atlatl darts when I spotted two severe-looking men in an old station wagon wearing all black as well as matching balaclavas parked out front frantically looking back and forth between the door and the surrounding parking lot.  The idea of two people holding up a Lowes crossed my mind but a Lowes has to be a damn hard thing to hold up due to its heavy reliance on credit and POs as well as its open layout, numerous places to hide and offerings for the ingenius victim to create some rather interesting countermeasures.  I thought of how to combine circular saw blades, a door frame and shock cords to deadly efficiency but my dreams of home improvement counter insurgency died when an old women dressed in pink carrying the ugliest collection of wallpaper imaginable walked out and made her way into the back seat of the car.  If that person had been my mother and I’d been seen with her, I’d camouflage myself and look around frantically too.

After my failed attempt to insulate around my backdoor, I thought that I might be able to fill in the hollow door to have it better insulate.  I went to Lowes to ask if they had a door filler of some sort that I could use.
Associate: None that I can think of.
Me: What about Great Stuff?
Associate: The problem is that it expands in all directions and the door would break as it expanded.
Me: What if I did it in layers and let it set in between?
Associate: You’re still putting the stuff in, the door would break no matter how much you put in.

Who knew that plastique and Great Stuff could both be used to blow doors off their hinges?

What can I help you with?
Me: We need an end cap for a atlatl dart quiver to hold 6″ wooden competative atlatl darts for an Scouting event this weekend.
Lowe’s Associate:  Aisle 43.
Now that’s keeping your head in the game.

People who can’t make comparisons make me sad:
Lowe’s Associate: So, it’s like a big arrow?
Me: No, there’s no bow.
Lowe’s Associate:  Then what is it?
Me: A 6-foot arm actuated dart.
Lowe’s Associate: like a slingshot?
Me: No, there’s no elastic material.
Lowe’s Associate: Oh, so like a lawn dart?
Me: ……….. Yes, a lawn dart that can tear through plywood and kill any land mammal ever to have lived.
Lowe’s Associate:  Okay, I think I threw those when I was on the track team. (Or something like that, by then my ears were turning themselves off in an effort to reduce my blood pressure).