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A coworker of mine seemed very agitated about something so I asked if something was amiss.  He said he had a colonoscopy the next day and he was worried.  Normally, I’d be fine with this response, except that this person has spent days interviewing people with questions like “so, how about your feces?” and “have you found any changes in rectal tenderness.”  He’s had his hand so far into animal colons that he nearly lost jewelry and I’m pretty sure he can identify the ilium, jejunum and duodenum by texture.  I saw him air his trepidation a few times and snapped:

Me: Really?  You know enough about the inner workings of the human colon that you could probably do the procedure yourself and probably design the tools to do it too.  It’ll be 1/10th as painful and there’s an anesthesiologist present who could probably down a bull elephant in 10 seconds.  You’ll be fine.  Man up and take it in the pooper.

“

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My failures with Spanish are well documented.  Today I had a spectacular burst of competence and was able to convey an idea clearly:

Me: Señor, hay un problema.
Housekeeping: ¿Qué es?
Me: Creo que hay un problema con el orinal.
Housekeeping: Hm… ¿Puede ser más específico?
Me: Sí, hay agua en el suelo. Creo que el drenaje se rompió.

Translated into English:
Me: There is a problem.
Housekeeping: What is it?
Me: I believe there’s  a problem with the urinal.
Housekeeping: Can you be more specific?
Me: Yes, there’s water on the floor.  I think the drain’s broke.

Order food? Nope.  Describe my vacation? Nope.  Talk about pop culture? Nope. Describe  in what matter a toilet fixture is broken?  Hell yes.

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One of my coworkers also has the same type of coffee machine as myself and informed me that he’s a member of a group that retrofits single-use cups to be… not as single use.  Apparently by buying a certain size brass mesh and doing some creative home welding one can reuse the cups from three to the near mythic level of one gifted modder who claims to have hit 10,000 uses.  This despite the fact that 10k uses would be seven cups a day for four years.  This method also ignores the fact that grounds can be used only so many times and re-filling the grounds would be functionally identical to simply buying an air or French press.

But, as my firing approaches, this economy is appealing.  I’ve filled my own ink cartridges, performed my own dentistry, purchased near over-ripe fruit, and made my own dextrose from corn starch.  I also take pride that in each generation there are those that throw off the shackles of oppressive consumerism for a slightly different form of DIY oppressive consumerism.  I consider both the American way.

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While staying with Chris in Columbus, I tried his single-serving coffee machine.  The “Winter Blueberry Cascade” was wonderful and ranked among my favorite coffee-like drinks and I’m looking for a new warm beverage so I tried to find a machine and k-cup supplier.  Craigslist yielded  a 60% discount through a used machine and I dove into the world of single serving coffee while waiting for my “Kiss of Frost Blend” verity pack to arrive.  The seller included a pile of coffee types and I discovered a few things when I brought the device to work:

  • Those of my coworkers who consume much coffee can smell it even when still sealed in the serving packets.
  • I have no place at my desk for another coffee machine.
  • Everyone seemed compelled to state “what, you don’t like our coffee?”
  • I still don’t like coffee.
  • Coffee gives me a headache when I drink three or more cups in a row to overcome my dislike of coffee.
  • More than four cups of coffee in a short period of time increases my frequency of bathroom visits.

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I don’t mind when companies greenwash something, as long as the benefits are tangible to someone.  Hybrids aren’t nearly as environmentally friendly as one would wish, most paper doesn’t biodegrade in nearly the amount of time often stated, and local produce can generate more emissions depending on its location and the competing economies of scale.  My employer switched from polystyrene cups to paper cups for sizes over 8 oz in its cafeteria and the legion failings of paper came out quicky:

  • Paper doesn’t last through as many uses
  • Paper doesn’t insulate as well, making many users consume multiple cups
  • Paper often consumes more production resources

The thing that annoyed me most was that I have a coworker that horded cups.  If a meeting ended and there were extra cups, he’d take them.  He said “one day, the Styrofoam will be gone, and I’ll be ready. *cackle*”  I thought he was just being cheap, bastard was right.

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Work held a holiday part today which is the first to which I’ve been invited in the last six years.  Turns out the giant tent against which I railed as the emblem of anti-snow was for this gathering.  The setup tables each represented the food of a different culture and had three dishes served by an awkward team of a kitchen staffer and an executive.  The plates were about six inches across and the serving sizes were “fun sized” a la the diminutive candy bars dispensed during Halloween requiring six or seven individual trips to create something along the size of an appetizer.  There were two exceptions: The shrimp, which were the size of a man’s fist, and the desserts, which included cupcakes the size of a baby’s head.  I’m pretty sure that the bread pudding was served in shot glasses which was convenient as one doesn’t have enough hands to hold both a beverage and any sort of foodstuff.  Each station held the highlight of world gastronomy: fried starch, which is always appreciated.

I don’t know if the coordinator planned this but the best food was dished out by the most intimidating executive.  The #1 at the company guarded the shrimp, and the #2 monitored consumption of the prepared egg rolls.  This also synced somewhat with the ethnicity of the executive.  I’ll have to see how this tracks from year to year.

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My reaction to a potential infection is like the TSA to a bomb-threat.  I take no risks and simply sleep until it’s gone.  I had the type of sniffle caused by a descended soft palette so I went through my normal routine of a tall glass of water and throwing the cat outside to make sure it wasn’t allergies.  20 minutes passed and it was still there so I went to bed.  I woke up at 7 AM, still there back to bed.  Same at 9, 11:30, and 2.  Around 3:30 PM the tickle was gone and I declared myself well.  This tactic does have its downfalls: I had called in sick but went to a Scout meeting that evening with my boss where I was loud.  Very loud.  “He’s not sick” loud.

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The “smash brownie” phase has drawn to an end where I’d take one foodstuff and shove it onto a brownie.  This included:

  • Crackerjack brownies
  • Butterfingers brownies
  • Granola brownies
  • Cookie brownies

I tried to make s’more brownies today which consisted of brownies covered in chocolate covered in marshmallows covered in graham crackers.  The idea seemed reasonable and I took the brownie out at the 2/3 way point to add the marshmallows and graham crackers.   I tried a piece when all was done and I’m glad I use Eggbeaters which aren’t subject to salmonella.  The top parts were perfect, though, so I thought I’d just pop it back in for 15 minutes or so and finish the bottom.  No dice.  I was afraid of overcooking the marshmallows so I decided to try to finish the brownie portion on the oven top.  The pile eventually finished such that the brownie came out like fudge cream but the marshmallows could remove bridgework.  A coworker described it as one of the tastiest choking hazards he’d ever had and another said it was a reminder that he’d need to visit his dentist.

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Snow is pretty, I like looking out windows and seeing it and will even walk through the stuff in appropriate quantities.  I glanced out the window today and saw a gleaming field of white and was rather excited.  Had snow fallen while I wasted the hours on configuring desktops?  What I interpreted as snow was actually a set of tents for a catered luncheon for a product launch involving people that did vastly less work on the product than I did.  Not only was it not snow, but it was the opposite of purity.  Not only was it not snow, but it was like 48°F outside.  Not only was it not snow, but it was an expense that I’m going to blame for me not getting a 10k hard drive and upgraded video card in my new work computer.  It wasn’t snow, it was the paragon of non-snow, it was anti-snow.  I hope it snows so the snow and anti-snow make contact and blow up.

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Being poked in the eye is the common comparison I use to convey the dullness of a presentation. Today, there was a presentation on how to fill out our new timecards. It’s actually a simpler system than the one currently used with an AJAXy interface and radio buttons. The presenter went on to do a rundown of the system in possibly a single 10 minute breath and asked for questions.

At first, I thought that the event assumed we were idiots and thought we needed to go over a trivial change in stupid detail. On second thought, I think it was a test: anyone who sees a presentation on something that simple and then asks a stupid question should be culled from the employee pool and be fired… out of a cannon… into the sun.