by ·0 Comments

After a long sabbatical from lab work I’m starting to do R&D stuff as in a few cases I’m the only one at the firm who knows a particular method.  I giggle fiendishly each time I’m called upon as I’m greeted as a village elder.  “Is this the great one who can summon fire from his hands and knows the ISO 9000 approved method of breaking things” they say as I walk by in my battle-scarred lab coat.

I’m the only one left who knows how to make a specific test substance that emulates one of the bodies more interesting waste products.  I coaxed the recipe from a lab book that I think was cuneiform on clay slabs and set to work.   I followed the recipe as specified and came up with an excess of 1 g whereas I was depend on an excess of much more (as the recipe states) so I could complete the oversized lot that was requested to test but found the recipe was riddled with addition errors.  I asked the requester what I should to which he replied “don’t spill anything”.  Interesting, not only do I need to not spill anything but I need to not spill it in such a way that the master solution increases in volume by 10%.  Maybe I can see if we have a stirrer that goes to 11 instead of 10 and that’ll magically do something.  Alternatively, I could wait for inflation to hit and I’ll have enough three years from now.

by ·0 Comments

After a long sabbatical from lab work I’m starting to do R&D stuff as in a few cases I’m the only one at the firm who knows a particular method.  I giggle fiendishly each time I’m called upon as I’m greeted as a village elder.  “Is this the great one who can summon fire from his hands and knows the ISO 9000 approved method of breaking things” they say as I walk by in my battle-scarred lab coat.

I’m the only one left who knows how to make a specific test substance that emulates one of the bodies more interesting waste products.  I coaxed the recipe from a lab book that I think was cuneiform on clay slabs and set to work.   I followed the recipe as specified and came up with an excess of 1 g whereas I was depend on an excess of much more (as the recipe states) so I could complete the oversized lot that was requested to test but found the recipe was riddled with addition errors.  I asked the requester what I should to which he replied “don’t spill anything”.  Interesting, not only do I need to not spill anything but I need to not spill it in such a way that the master solution increases in volume by 10%.  Maybe I can see if we have a stirrer that goes to 11 instead of 10 and that’ll magically do something.  Alternatively, I could wait for inflation to hit and I’ll have enough three years from now.

by ·0 Comments

Every morning where I arrive at work before 9:30 AM I get a breakfast sandwich.  I’m entering my 6th month of that as my sole order at the cafeteria to the point where my order has moved from a complete order statement to a rapid-fire command barely discernable as English to a grunt, to the cook asking “the usual?”, to a look/grunt response, to a nod.  Also, it appears that about 1/2 of my building subsides entirely on toast and even this some of the technically have trouble getting.  One woman gets toast every day and leaves the burner knob at a “2” on a 6-point scale and instead of cranking up the knob cycles the toaster four times.  It takes her more time to prepare toast than for me to a complete breakfast sandwich, drink, condiments, and breakfast potatoes.  The only reason I know this is that one day my order was misprepared and I had to wait for a new sandwich.  Despite doubling the prep time I still nearly beat the toaster abuser out of the cafeteria.

by ·0 Comments

The Medical division has had a somewhat cushy existence seemingly in the employ of turning down others’ ideas under the justification of “risk avoidance” .  That padded life has recently come to an end with they lacking the simple skills to operate in an office environment.  I printed something and walked to the printer to find it out of paper.  I checked the drawer marked “paper” and seeing none walked to the central paper storage closet 150 feet away, grabbed four reams, and returned.  Upon filling the paper trays the first of the 29 jobs in queue started with a print time of four hours ago.  The whirring stirred life from the department as I heard someone blurt out “oh good, the help desk people finally sent out someone to add paper.”  Not even our VPs have someone reload the paper for them.

Not knowing how to change toner I can understand.  Failing said task can result in an inadvertent black face performance but not loading your own paper?  I think I may start making my own artisan paper to stay a step of self-empowerment above them should they learn to harness their opposable thumbs for something besides giving people the thumbs down.

by ·0 Comments

I was confounded by a big problem in building the supercomputer: getting a case.  I need something that’ll accomodate two mobos which requires a very big case.  The only ones I could find were these giant gaudy cases from the 90s with clear sides that’ll make the UV coolant even more obvious.  This is going to go in a lab so I tried to find something as toned down as possible.

Project Coordinator: That’s a pretty boring case.
Me: Isn’t that good it’s going to be in a lab.
Project Coordinator: If we’re going to spend x for a computer, we should get something that looks good.  How about something a little more… imposing.
Me: Imposing?
Project Coordinator: Yes, something with presence.
Me: Presence?
Project Coordinator:  Yeah, find something with a more striking case and maybe a sleek appearance.  Something nice.

Great… I wanted to build a Mercedes C Class he chose an Escalade.  I got the Escalade now he wants phat spinnin’ rims.  Maybe I can talk to the guys in rapid prototyping but I doubt AutoCAD or SolidWorks has a well developed bling plugin or a “pimp my parametrically defined subassembly” option.  One can hope.

by ·0 Comments

I was asked an odd question today at work, “Terry, can you help us buy a supercomputer”.  Not sure if they were looking at a high-end workstation or Beowulf cluster  I nodded my head yes knowing that even if I failed they probably wouldn’t notice and I started checking our preferred vendors for supercomputers which were somewhat pathetic for the budget range I was given so I offered to build one.  I was told I could if I asked the project coordinator.

I talked with the coordinator and did a needs inventory and found that a dual or quad CPU would do best and rounded out the interview with “anything else you want the box to do?”

His reply: Water cooling.
Me: Really?
Him:  Preferably something with tubes.  I can’t stand most computer fans and I need this sucker to be quiet or I’m going to go nuts with it in the lab.

I did some checking and the best multi-CPU system uses a UV reactive fluid, the lab that’ll house this unit uses full spectrum lighting with UV filters to stop mold.  This think is going to look like Paul Bunyon’s glow stick.   I found a way to get out of scanning… I just had to sacrifice my sense of tact.

by ·0 Comments

The actual printers in our office don’t work yet but we found a somewhat close but hard to find printer.  My first set of directions weren’t clear enough so I provided the following:

Go up the stairs everyone uses to make phone calls because it’s the only place that gets more than two bars that used to empty into the front door of the giant freezer that had a “NO EXPLOSIVES” next to an “EXPLOSIVE-RESISTANT FREEZER” sign.  Exit the loud door and walk past filing cabinets plastered with art from Publisher 95 corresponding to the last time this “precious data” was used.  Make a left before the soul-sucking morass of cubes and then a prompt right at the giant empty koala head.  Make a prompt right before the line of coffee stains and listen for cursing, crying and grinding to find the printer.

by ·0 Comments

As part of the move, several “sytem improvements” have been spawned.  So far, I’ve noted the following:

  1. Outlook waits about 30 seconds after opening before prompting the operator for a password during which time one can send and receive emails, view calendars, and create appointments.
  2. McAfee no longer does background updates and includes such useful prompts as “would you like to update now? (If you click “NO” the update will occur in 30 seconds)” and a splash screen to tell you when the update’s complete that goes away automatically after infuriating you for 10 seconds pegged to the front of the desktop.
  3. All the web shortcuts on my desk now depict the logo for Netscape Navigator.
  4. Our desktops are now automatically backed up once a day but the initial backup will take me several days due to the amount of local data during which I’ve been getting “backup error!” messages that stop the backup and restart it.  All I need is one 96 hour day and everything’ll be fine.
  5. It also appears to take less personal information to reset my password after muffing it three times than it does to reset it with my full arsenal of personal information.

by ·0 Comments

Today was the day of the great computer migration where we’d switch from Novell to Windows.  The migration was a failurepile inside of a sadnessbowl but the thing that really got me the fact that they took my f*%@ing network cable.  Really?  You had to take my 3′ cable and replace it with a 50′ one?  I could take the slack of my cable, kick out the window and repel to the first f*cking floor with it.  That’s re-effing-diculous.  Then, when I ask, you tell me it’s because of the migration?  I’ve met simpleton mutes who made sense than that.  How did we get the Keystone Cops of tech support to do this?  Then you tell me I can have a static IP but it’ll change periodically?  Then it’s not f*&$ing static is it! Gha….

I’d tell the story of them holding up the migration on a coworker because they didn’t know what network port on the wall he used.  There’s two, one about six inches from his computer and another that’s visible from his desk only via periscoping binoculars. Guess.

by ·0 Comments

I have a beautiful framed lithograph of Magritte’s Son of Man which has been leaning on the wall from my desk:

Son of Man

Son of Man

A lot of people laugh at it, I’m not sure why.  The best guess I’ve heard so far was that it was a portrait of Steve Jobs.  Anyway, I wanted to mount it but could only find a finishing hammer and a small sledge.  I chose the sledge.
Bad News: The sledge beat out the plaster.
Good News: the evidence is now nicely covered by a beautiful framed lithograph of Magritte’s Son of Man.