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There are a bunch of networked drives to which each CAD person gets selective access.  Today, these permissions were done… apparently.

Tech Guy: Done, sir.  Each of your CAD workers has read/write/modify access to all drives.
Boss:  Whoa… They shouldn’t.  I sent a document outlining each person’s access.
Tech Guy:  *Checks Blackberry, sees missed message* … Well, wouldn’t you want your workers to have total access…
Boss: No.  *Hands tech 2″ binder outlining CAD permission policy*
Tech Guy: But each of these permissions’ll take 15 minutes to do, you sure you don’t want…
Boss: Now.
Tech Guy: You should learn to trust your technicians.

I’m confident that his final statement wouldn’t have made it out had my boss possessed laser vision.

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So a mass email was sent out that the building is losing its water from 4 AM to 6 AM Monday.  My coworkers started chattering about why their time was wasted with the message not realizing how this could cripple a portion of their work staff: me!  That’s the quality time where I check email and then read Wired magazine on the can.  It’s when I make ice cubes and take a really long time to wash my hands because one soap dispenser has nice soap.   It’s when I setup the office report cover slip ‘n’ slide!  Now when am I going to get a headstart on not doing anything important?

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My office has been migrating from one backend to another as we depart from our previous corporate mothership.  The transition has gone as smooth as the breakup of the British Raj in India and my boss delayed our team’s rollout a week as we’re effectively useless without both a functioning printer and web access.  We expected the tech person to arrive at 9 AM today and he rolled in around 4 PM:

Tech Guy: Sir, I’m here to do your migration.
Boss: Ok, who do you want to start on?
Tech Guy: I was told there was one system.
Boss: There is, one system consisting of 7 users using 13 computers.
Coworker: And three printers!
Coworker 2: And the big scanner!
Coworker: And our phones!

Then, like a recently potty trained child that just pooped themselves, the tech support guy let out an “uh oh” that could have been used in a Pampers commercial.   He kinda shuffled a bit and then left to “get help” which I assume gave him time to change his pants.  He came back empty handed so it looks like our office will have to wait a week to be crippled by his incompetence.

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I came into work late today not remembering I had a blood drive appointment at 1:30.  I saw the reminder note to myself at 1:20 and gunned it to the appropriate building in our complex.  I arrived sweating but on-time and was immediately hurried in to make it on time.  I sat down, had my blood pressure taken (120/80 in your face obesity!) but was rejected because of my pulse being too high (100 BPM), probably because I’d ran to the building.  I was then approached by the coordinator.

Coordinator: Sir, your pulse was too high to donate do you have any conditions that’d cause this?
Me: Not really, I did just run over.
Coordinator: Hm… Have you had a stressful day?  There seems to be a lot of stressed people in.
Me: Nope, I just got in, but I did just run over here.  If you give me a minute, I’ll be fine.
Coordinator: Do you have a history of a high pulse in your family?
Me: I don’t think so, although I imagine all our pulses go up after running.
Coordinator:  Hm… You’ll be ok.  I’m going to give you a note that you can’t donate for the day because of your pulse and you should really see a medical professional about that.  100 BPM is not healthy.

Well, I’m glad they’d already taken my pulse and BP as it doubled over the course of her ignoring the fact that I’d just ran to the building.  I’d be curious to see if deafness is correlatable to proximity to the end of the work day.

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I returned on Monday  a bit harried after driving 14 hours and I ran into one of my baking fans.

Coworker: Terry, why you in so late?  Where the cake?
Me: Well, I got in from a 14-hour drive from Chicago this morning.  The turnpike was really rough and I just had to sleep.   Also, my oven’s still broke.
Coworker: That terrible.
Me: The drive wasn’t that bad.
Coworker: No, your oven.  How we get cake?  What’s wrong with the oven?
Me: It might be the coil or the whole oven, I haven’t checked yet.
Coworker: Your oven too important to us.  I see if I can start a collection.  If not, I get purchase  order.  This too important to wait on.
Me: Thank you, I guess.
Coworker: No worry, I manager.  It what I do.

Hm… Vital piece of test apparatus breaks and I have to wait 20 days to send it out for repairs.  My personal oven breaks cutting off the confectionary supply lines and the full force of my division is brought to bear.  It’s good that we have priorities.

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Coworker: Where cake?
Me: What do you mean?  I bring in baked goods on Monday.
Coworker: No, you bring on Tuesday sometime, even Wednesday.
Me: I’ve never brought in a baked good on a day besides the first in a work week.
Coworker: You bring in cake on Friday last week.
Me: I wasn’t even in on Friday last week.
Coworker: You always bring in cake each day.  I remember.
Me: Sam, have I ever brought in a cake on Wednesday?
Sam: No.
Me: Ed, have I ever brought in a cake on Wednesday?
Ed: No.
Me: John, have I ever brought in a cake on Wednesday?
John: No.
Me: Tinh, have I ever brought in a cake on Wednesday?
Tinh: Hell, no.
Me: Up until I’m taken on as a full time position where baking is in my job description, I receive a cost center to which I can charge for your Wednesday cake, or you provide for me vacation days such that Wednesday is the first day of the week, you shall never see a Wednesday cake.
Coworker: Ok.  I come back tomorrow.

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My current task is back to scanning until our new document system is running at 100% and my current docket is largely email correspondences between the document manager and the CAD worker who does the iterations of the drawings.  Today I found one of the gems that makes the job interesting.

Manager:  Please perform attached changes and increment the drawing revision as per (partinent standard).
CAD Worker:  The revisions are for a released item and can not receive a full incrementation from 3 to 4.
Manager:  Iterate the drawing to a partial level.  Assign release as 3.1.
CAD Worker:  Release level assigned as 3.1.
Manager: The requester discovered a spelling error in part (part name and number), please fix and iterate number to less that 3.2.
CAD Worker: Fixed.  I’ve iterated the drawing  to Ï€.
Manager: Non-repeating non-terminating numbers are not recognized as per (gov standard outlining CAD revisions of medical devices), for purposes of revisions, π will equal 3.14.

Well, glad someone laid down the law.  Somewhere a million geometry students are cheering.

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One of our coworkers returned from a business trip with a local “treat” of her destination, Cherry Mashes.  We were unsure of what was in them and the individual packages were devoid of an ingredients list so my boss, a former engineer for the flavors division of a food firm tried one:

Me: So what’s in it?
Him: Hm… a complex combination of grade F hazelnuts, chocolate from cocoa that may have been lit on fire and a vat of artificial flavoring that may have had a bowl of cherries next to  it.

The land of Paula Dean has failed us.

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The apple bundt cake was heavy, partly from the glass pan, partly from the five gala apples that went into the 13″ x 9″ dish, and partly from the ton of awesome contained within the pecans.  I was hailed as a hero for unlocking the taste of apple and using cinnamon and nutmeg in something besides a pumpkin pie.  I’ve been entered into the running for a Nobel Peace Prize as the recipe may stop wars and I keep getting called by Time Magazine.  A statue is being erected in my honor and the part of my desk that held the tray holding the cake has been cordoned off with velvet rope as hallowed ground.

I picked up my phone to casually call Mrs. “homemade is boxed cake mix plus a tin of frosting” and tension mounted as the phone rang.  I hit the magic 5 rings and heard “I won’t be in today… prattle prattle prattle”.  Slam went the phone receiver as I saw the last piece of cake disappear in a cloud of salivating coworker and when the dust cleared I saw the clock: only 55 minutes had elapsed from arrival in work to first coworker discovering the cake to it being totally consumed.  I’m lucky my rival wasn’t in, as I wouldn’t want to appear to be gloating by summoning her to an empty dish… I need to save that for the actual competition.  She may be prepared for battle, I will win as I’m preparing for war.