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Every 15-20 lbs or so I need to retool some aspect of my diet.  Around 265 I noted my lunches were a bit large so I transitioned to getting soup from the cafeteria and using fresh fruit and granola bars to round out the meal.   My granola bar of choice is FiberOne Chocolate which has seriously upped the fiber in my diet at the cost of me farting like a champ.  This upped fart frequency coupled with the fact that my farts now sound like a duck call has led me to stop conversations, walk over to the fume hood, make a strange face, and returned with my pressure equilibrated.

This went on for a week or two until my boss called me into his office.

Boss: Terry.
Me: Yes?
Boss: You’ve been farting up a storm.
Me: I know, that’s why I’ve taken to the fume hood.
Boss: And we thank you for that.  But that hood contains hydrogen sulfide test equipment [H2S is the primary odorant in flatus, the fancy term for gas].
Me: It’s a sealed system.
Boss: But if it gets in and messes up readings, how do we log it?
Me: …human input error.
Boss:  Good, as long as we have a plan.

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“To set it to projector output mode on that laptop model just hit Function and F4 twice”.  And with those words uttered in a marketing meeting my secret was out.  I, Terry Robinson, know how computers work.  Over the course of the next six hours I was asked to set up a dual monitor display, set up a back-up to an external drive, an, show someone how to return the taskbar in Windows XP from the side back to the bottom.  Normally, this revelation would annoy me as it just means a categorical increase in the amount of work I have to do but I’ve fine with this.  This work is for marketing, and they pay me much per hour than R&D.

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As much as one wishes not to stereotype, there are some common inclinations among people of a given department.  Marketing tends not to be action-oriented but creative and R&D a bit of the opposite.  My new boss mentioned to me that the clock in their area kept falling behind and they were tired of updating it. I changed the battery in it and was greeted as “Terry, Clock Saver”.  This act would not make me worthy of the bards in my homeland.  Later in a meeting, I made a dull pun that made the marketing folks roll their eyes.  That act, on the other hand, would.

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I go through about 1.5 liters of soda a day and have tired of bringing new bottles into work each week. I can feel the receptionist judging me as I walk by with a armload of 2 liter bottles although, being a receptionist, she is judging me regardless.

The setup is simple and operation easy. Here are my thoughts:

  • The notion of “fresh” soda is alien to me. Some things don’t get better fresh. I don’t care about fresh sugar, rice, nice or oatmeal, nor do I care about fresh soda.
  • I’m a procedure person and the quality of bottle to bottle seems hard to keep.
  • I do like the ability to adjust the level of carbonation.
  • Most of the flavors are just far enough off to what they emulate that it’s a bit too ersatz for me.
  • The exception to the above is “Diet Energy” which is a spot on copy Red Bull for about 1/10th the price per serving.
  • The fruity flavors lack in fruitiness.

The cost effectiveness for most of the regular flavors is debatable as a serving clocks in at about 55 cents per liter.  This is only a bit below the 66 cents per liter I pay for name brand when purchased in quantity while on sale and is well above what I would pay for a store brand at around 44 cents a liter.  Iced tea runs me about 35 cents a liter and bottled water 32.  I’m paying for convenience EXCEPT in the case of Diet Energy which is ludicrously cost effective.

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New Boss: Terry, I need you to come to my office.  Having computer troubles.
Me: On my way.
*Walks to office*
New Boss: Something’s broken, I have this meetingnotes.txt file I’m trying to open and every time I do it bring us this minimalist Office thing called “notepad”.  Should that happen?  How am I supposed to make it an outline or change the fonts?
Me: *changes file associate for .txt files to Word* Text files are popular among neckbeards and hipsters, they like it because it’s retro.  You should now be able to work with it and save it fine in Office.
New Boss: Thanks.

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New Boss: Terry, I hear you have some talent with computers.  We’re looking for someone to do hardcore web stuff for us.
Me: Ok, what kind of things?
New Boss: Setting up and running a web server, maybe some scripting.
Me: Normally I charge $60 an hour for that kind of stuff. *visibly crosses fingers*
New Boss: Can’t pay you that.
Me: Normally I charge $45 an hour for that kind of stuff.
New Boss: Closer.
Me: Normally I charge $30 an hour for that kind of stuff but get to come in when I want and get to work from home sometimes.
New Boss: Great.  I look forward to working with you.

 

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It was Monday.  Monday means bringing in a baked good to work.  I had no already baked baked goods and while some days I’d prepare something before going to work today was not one of those days.  I had a large box of Cheez-Its left over from my winter party and I brought those in.  No one complained.

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There’s a new engineer at work and he’s trying to be my friend. There’s few things I care for less in a workplace than “try to be your friend” guy when not backed by actions.  For instance, I like listening to books during my lunch break.  He will tap me on the shoulder and ask what I’m listening to.  Today he tried again while I was in a bubble.

Him: Hey, what are you up to?
Me: …listening to The Economist.
Him: I make wine.
Me: That’s nice.
Him: Would you like some?
Me: Now, no.
Him: No, in general.
Me: Not really, I don’t drink.
Him: Oh, I didn’t know you were religious.
Me: I’m not.
Him: Enjoy your lunch.

He’s trying.  How do I make him stop?

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Me: How do you compare the musical influence of Eric Clapton with Kurt Cobain?
Joe: Clapton had the technical wizardry but Kurt just seemed to have something else?

Me: More to the point…
Joe: Zing?  No.
Me: More to the blunt end?
Joe: More to the 12 gauge?
Me: More to the shot?
Joe: More to the buck shot?
Me: We should stop.
Joe: Yes, yes we should.

Context

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My coworkers love when I have parties, not so much because they go but because they get the leftovers.  I had a lot of s’more parts and a goodly quantity of meatballs and those went quickly.  A coworker complimented me on the spicing:

Coworker: You’ve outdone yourself.  The spicing was spectacular.
Me: Thank you?  What did you like about the spicing?
Coworker: I don’t know, it was smokey and fuller tasting and I think there were bits of cilantro.
Me: I don’t think I added any.
Coworker: Well, whatever the dark flecks were added something to it.

I had no idea what they were talking about so I poked around the sauce that was left and found a small grey needle-like fleck.  It was a pine needle and there were about 1/2 a dozen in the portion of sauce I looked at.  I think each time we added a tree to the fire, the cloud of ash that came off would deposit a few needs in the very large meatball pot.  Luckily, these bits having been on fire weren’t a germ vector but just… added to the flavor.