Another installment in the series “shit Joe dreams about”
-So, I’m in the Whitehouse and I have this scone, I’m not quite sure what kind it is but I think it’s some sort of berry, or chocolate chips, I don’t know because it’s dark.  I’ve got the president’s scone and I start running back to my room, because I have a room in the white house.  I jump into bed and am about to bite into the scone when the Secret Service kicks down the door, throws the sheets of the bed and they all point guns at my head.

The iPod adapter for my car radio is giant.  It fits nowhere and comes with 12 feet of cable going from the radio to the adapter, as if I drive an Escalade and want to plug into the iPod of the guy piloting the boat I’m towing.  I looked online for the directions that weren’t included and I find what I’m supposed to do:
Section 1: Installation
1. Remove adhesive backing to double-sided adhesive tape.
2. Attach double-sided adhesive tape firmly to iPod adapter.
3. Remove second adhesive backing to double-sided adhesive tape.Section 2: Operating the iPod

Doesn’t it seem like something’s been missed?  It looks like really strong adhesive and I don’t want to just put it anywhere.  Alternatively, I can just let the thing dangle next to the firewall of the car and wait for the box to burst into flames.

I though I got all the stinkbugs.  Now there’s a whole bunch of little ones walking around my window.  I felt a little bad thinking “I killed his mom and dad” until he flew into my caffeine free diet Cream Soda, the greatest of diet sodas.  Vengeance was sweet and thorough and like the Yakuza crime syndicate, not only did I take out the interloper but I have also slain his family.  The next wave shall know fear.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses returned, this time with a guy that had taped glasses.  I assume he’s the big guns.  I did some research in preparation for the showdown at my driveway.
Warning! I went into the primal state of cro-magnon nerd debate rage and these are the sections I remembered.
Him: I’ve been informed that you’re skeptical of our beliefs?
Me: You could say that.
Him: Don’t you want to be amoungst the saved during the coming Rapture?
Me: I imagine that’d be nice.  But you say coming Rapture, what about the one you guys predicted in 1898..
Him: The source texts weren’t accurate, the best Biblical Scholarship has put the date around 2010…
Me: I wasn’t finished, 1898 and 1912 and 1917 and 1938 and 1945 and 1972 and 2000 and, because  you’re not dummies and realized how the calendar works 2001 and now 2010.  I’m sorry, but you guys have worse payout than most slot machines.
Him: Smug retort.
Me: Biblical insult.
Everything else was a blur, at one point the well dressed women that came with him were standing to the side in fear as the duck quacked and the dogs across the street started barking.  I woke up on the train to Temple and my shirt was untucked…

If you haven’t see SNL’s Digital Short “Dick in a Box” you should.  There’s a bulb on my desk.  I don’t know where it came from or what it goes to, but it looks pretty important and has a neat connector on the bottom.  I like to think it goes into some magic outlet that when I screw it in a wall will back out and a secret stairway will appear.

51 2:32 AM Friday, Pyrrhic victory, see below.
50 10:29 PM, On Marcus’ head.
49 4:37 PM, Artifacts commons and uncommons box.
48 4:19 PM, Blue commons and uncommons box, at least he was next to the Counterspells.
47 4:01 PM, White commons and uncommons box, missed him.
46 3:42 PM, Green commons and uncommons box.
45 3:33 PM, White commons and uncommons box.
Today’s Highlight: I had been sorting cards for about two hours as I recently purchased someone’s collection.  Then…. #51 lands on a pile of white rares that aren’t in standard and he sit there, staring at me.  I walk away slowly, knowing he’s not in a crevasse, I’ll need to use the vacuum rather than the tweezers.  The plastic sheath of the drapes attachment slides back revealing the instrument of death.  Power is on and the winds of death begin to whirl through the cyclone honeycomb of the Dyson 350.  I approach the stinkbug, make eye contact thinking he’ll bravely face his fate when he flips me the bird, flies backwards and away.  I lunge wildly heaving my weight across the table and destroying hours of sorting.  I roll across the side and grasping the telescoping handle like a harpoon fire the suction tube at my whiteboard where the stinkbug chose to make his last stand.  I can see the terror in his many eyes as the plastic tube surrounds him and a momentary hiccup is heard as a the last echo of his carcass is heard.  The air is filled with the normal cyanides released at stinkbug death but this time it smelled bitter sweet.  I surveyed the damage, and sat with grim determination to resort the cards I had just upturned.  War is hell.

As part of graduation, I must take a seminar on business dining.  The presenter was rather obviously on her fourth career after being in Philadanco, theater at U Penn, HR at Guy Carpenter and now the illustrious Fox School of Business at Temple.  Of all the seminars of this type I’ve taken, this was by far the best containing the following quotes:
1. A posse is a sign of fear, and like the new world must be conquered.
2. Should you butter a whole roll no matter were you are the hand of Janice will smite you.
3. Today’s business culture is gender neutral, which means men should still open the door for women.
4. A properly worded insult may yield a free drink, but a properly worded letter may yield many free drinks, and in one case, Flyer’s Tickets.
5. One of the fastest ways to move up in an organization is by politely noting when your boss’s fly is open.

I made a cable organizer today out of the top of a box of paper and a tray table for my treadmill so I can type and walk at the same time.  I neutralized some hydrochloric acid my father had lying around, did a homework assignment due Friday and wrote a letter to Columbia Sportswear begging for free shoes because after 20 minutes with a jeweler’s loop I found a defect that I think was due to the stitching pattern.  Finally, I cleaned the floor in the bathroom.  So, what’s orange and move’s like molasses on a bathroom floor?  I don’t know, but I cleaned up some.  God, being unemployed will do some crazy shit to someone.

A little amber light lit up on my dashboard.  I drove a bit more before realizing it was the low fuel light.  I hadn’t needed to fill the tank since I got the car. Tee hee hee.  I should get a gas can before I forget what it is again.