Bring your child to work day- we tell the kids about colostomies and they’re pretty cool with it, then the questions come.
Child: If you have colostomy, can you lose your anus?
Kate: Yes, if you have rectal cancer the doctors might remove your anus.
Child: Then if you’re a girl, how can you have a baby?
Kate: *without missing a beat* That comes out somewhere else.
Child: Oh…
We plan on checking with the child’s father in a few weeks to see if he’s had the world’s most awkward talk.

The precision fart generator at work has been acting up and we’ve had the designer come out to service it.  He was confident he could find the problem quickly.  After about 5 hours of fiddling I walked by a whispered to him “It can smell fear, it heard you talking trash and broke itself to prove you wrong”.  He laughed politely and about another 2 hours of fiddling later he came over to ask if I had an incense he could burn to calm the device down.  Pride goeth before the fall, device-maker.

The precision fart generator at work has been acting up and we’ve had the designer come out to service it.  He was confident he could find the problem quickly.  After about 5 hours of fiddling I walked by a whispered to him “It can smell fear, it heard you talking trash and broke itself to prove you wrong”.  He laughed politely and about another 2 hours of fiddling later he came over to ask if I had an incense he could burn to calm the device down.  Pride goeth before the fall, device-maker.

The re-scheduled Spring Fling went off without a hitch as the wonderful juxtaposition of PETA next to the National Guard next to Ih Phelta Thi or some other fraternity.  Gamma Iota Sigma, the risk management fraternity, ran a Monte Carlo station where if you won 5 hands of single deck blackjack in a row you got 5 dollars at a dollar a hand (play till you lose) giving the player an expected payback of 3%, not gain, payback.  Good thing the actuaries are on the other side of the table.

It’s Monday, meaning I had chicken nuggets and tater tots (sorry tater treats, stupid generic brands). I remove them from the toaster oven and drop one like a champ.  Normally I’d eat it but my dad was there.  I pass the near flaming tot to my dog who sniffs, determine its consumability and devours it.  At speeds that rival the jellyfish sting the potatocindiary shoots back out of his mouth and he begins growling.  I reach for the slobber coated tot and was stopped by a lighting fast paw swipe and a doggie-stare that said “It’s a flaming tot, but it’s my flaming tot”.  That’s a well trained dog.

I called department heads about the May 5th Leader Meeting and spoke with most for about 3 minutes, the exception was Howard Kay, clocking in at 1:34:05.  Half way through the conversation I reach down to grab something from the floor, hit my head on the desk on the way back up and my nose started bleeding uncontrollably.  Blood is rushing down my face and he’s talking moccasin designs, and I look frantically around the room and rip pages out of the Dick Blick catalog and jam one up my nose while grabbing the phone I had dropped.  I heard Mr. Kay and his son arguing over the knotting kids use today for gimp and how lazy they are.  I tell him that someone had driven across the camp lawn as I jump to my feet and discover that THERE ARE NO FUCKING TISSUES IN THE ENTIRE BUILDING. I remember Barbrajean’s secret stash of toilet paper in Karen’s desk and strike gold.  I return to the desk, truimphant and dripping snotty blood and return to discussing the difference between a belt blank, and a blanked belt.

I showed someone the pictures of the beat-to-shit Matrix and a “my car’s better fight” quickly broke out.  My foe did have a patently better car, I think a Maserati or a Kia or something:Me: My car gets 34 mpg.
Him: Mine gets 34 mpg, city (burn!) and can seat 4 comfortably.
Me: My car can seat 7 very uncomfortably, and has (some safety feature I made up).
Him: My car has (existing safety features I don’t have) and can (run a short distance quickly).
At this point I realized I was losing an escalated the conflict with the following:
Me: My car can run on both cola and diet cola, sharpen razor blades merely by leaving them on the dashboard, recharge cell batteries by rubbing them against the hood, has been beatified by the Pope, has an exhaust system that turns carbon dioxide into a cheap AIDS retroviral and has adopted a hospital Nigerian war orphans.

I win.

We went out to lunch today and I discovered the intricate kibuki dance of eating at a corporate function:
1) Get an appetizer that consists of a fried vegetable, okay.  Appetizer that consists of a fried animal, that’s just unhealthy.  The one that confused me the most was the looks at getting mozzarella sticks but cheese filled jalapeno poppers were a no-no based on the condescending stares.
2) Buffalo wings, bone in mind you, must be eaten with a fork.
3) Only a fool actually uses the dips provided with food.
4) Cranberry juice and pineapple juice are acceptable for lunch but orange juice is not.My brother discovered my page, I will now refer to him as Arturo to keep him guessing.

I hate people who won’t wake up to their own alarm clocks.  My brother fell victim to my pet-peeve this afternoon.
Failure to Wake Response 1: Bang on door
Failure to Wake Response 2: Playing “everybody have fun tonight” by Wang Chung (it matched the beat)
Failure to Wake Response 3: 30-second Cow Bell Solo
Failure to Wake Response 4: Screaming “Pizza”All proved effective in their own way, as the cowbell resulted in being hit with the most pillows.  Pizza elicited the fastest response.  I’ll have to see if I can use pheromones/FeClone to speed up the reaction.

Today also saw an amazing IH quote:  Witnesses are the difference between martyrs and corpses.  Chilling.