A coworker mentioned to me that he nearly got in an accident slowing down approaching a speed trap.
Me: Isn’t that the one manned by the faux-cop?
Him: Today it looked different so I assumed there was a real cop.
On my way home I checked, the fake cop’s hat had fallen off.

My 2006 Toyota Matrix arrived today. See it in its glory:

Now before you jump all over me with “but it has no fender, grill, hood, light assemblies, radiator, or driver airbag” I’d like you to see that it does contain all the correct fuses and “Runs and Drives” clearly marked on the windshield. Yep, she’s a keeper. Just a little vacuuming and gorilla glue and I’ll be cruising for chicks at comfortable 28/34 MPG. And yes, a fully assembled atlatl dart fits in the cab without so much as a degree bend.

I left work a bit early to buy a new umbrella.  I really like accessories, and in this case, remembered my Boscov’s coupon.  I grab the 25 foot wide golf umbrella and bring it to the cashier and present my coupon.
Her: I’m sorry sir, this coupon is only valid for men’s accessories.
Me: It’s an umbrella, I didn’t know they had a gender.
Her: This is a Ladies Accessory.
Me: I’m pretty sure it’ll still keep rain off of me, what’s the difference?
Her: This one says Ladies when I scan it *Screen says “LDSGLFUMBRLA”* (So either it’s for women or Mormons)
Me: Thanks for clarifying the difference.
She then removed the tags which I could have done with my laser vision.

I went to a 2-hour Eagle Court of Honor today.  If I ever hear the words “Scoutings highest honor” again, I’m going to stab someone.  Eagle isn’t the highest honor, it’s the highest rank.  I’m pretty sure the Distinguished Eagle, the 20-Year Hornaday Award, the Silver Buffalo, the Distinguished Service Award, and Insect Study all rank above Eagle.  One of the kids rattled on for like 20 minutes attempting to make bad joke after bad joke, I must speak to his Communications merit badge instructor.  Finally, one of the presenters spent 23 minutes on stupid cooking school stories, it was so boring I began reading Deuteronomy.  Deuter-fucking-onomy, a 45 page list of random things Jews can’t do.  I was desparate.

Medical emergencies happen at work in waves.  I’ve been on the EMRT on and off for a year or so.  During which I’ve never had just 1 incident in a day, either 0 or like 4.  Today was not a 0 day.  The first call came early and a man was complaining of gut pain and cold sweating.  Immediately, the ambulance was called as everyone assumed he was having a heart attack using faulty logic (he’s old, he’s fat, he must be having a heart attack).  The first clue was that the pain came in waves, the second that his blood pressure was normal, the third was that he ate from the cafeteria that morning.  As the ambulance arrived, I was vindicated when they agreed that it was merely indigestion.  The second call was unusual in that the ambulence wasn’t there after a few minutes, so I asked if anyone was signaling the ambulance and someone said there was, after another 3 minutes I went downstairs and saw another member of the team in the lobby.
Me: Is someone waiting for the ambulance?
Her: Yeah, I am.  It’s driven by a couple of times.
Me: Shouldn’t someone be out there signaling?
Her: Nah, they know where we are.
Good job, you.

Kurt Vonnegut died yesterday in Manhattan, New York.  Here’s a wonderful list of witticisms that we shant hear ever again.  My fear of finishing all of his works before I die has become eminent.
Today’s Highlight:  If I’m lucky, and the stars were in the right position, I might have gotten a positive grade on my Act Sci 305 exam.  There were letters, I hadn’t even seen before.  To get a B, I now only need a 106% on the final, which is only possible if the instructor has a dormant congenital heart defect that manifests exactly at the point where she’s entering my grade.  On the other hand the day wasn’t all bad.  In IH 0052 my instructor made a number of sexist Freudian comments and defended himself with “you just wish you had a ding-dong” and a dozen other euphemisms for a penis.  The high point was “you’re simply jealous that you lack an organ of such simple perfection that it has brought nations and women to their knees.”  Maybe one day he’ll be fired, until then, he’s the best instructor I’ve ever had.

I have a ridiculously important test tomorrow in Act Sci 305, so I took the day off and spent time… doing anything but studying.  The more important something is the better, in general, I am at avoiding it until calamity is garaunteed.  I sorted Magic cards (it had to be done eventually), cleaning my car (it had to be done eventually), filling out warranty cards (…) and so on.  I knew I was really scraping bottom when I cleaned my teeth.  Not the ones in my mouth, but the wisdom teeth I recently had removed.  There was a lot of caked on blood and spittle and I thought they deserved to be as off-white as my other teeth.  I walk into the bathroom, and look around, grab my dad’s toothbrush and went to town on them.  Don’t feel bad for my father’s toothbrush as he has dentures and has never been very capable with a toothbrush.  I’m sure his nightly screwdrivers do more to clean his faux-teeth than nylon strands ever have.  So, I now have some really clean former teeth and a shitload of studying to do.  Maybe I’ll start coming up with training activities for the June Staff Training.

For years I’ve fumed at the cost of replacement cables from most big box retailers, but today I received my vengeance.  OfficeMax had a 15″ LCD TV/Monitor that was open box and I asked about the price of $159.00.  I asked if I could see it and when the manager brought out the box and I told him it was missing the cables (and the power supply) I asked if I could deduct the cost of replacements from the monitor. He agreed.  I returned with a 15′ Belkin Premium Gold Plated video cable and a Belkin variable output power supply totaling $85.00.  My new $75 monitor was put in a bag and it was off to newegg.com to find a replacement cable.  That cable along with the power supply I found in my box of power supplies came to a whopping $11.00.  If only they stocked Monster cables I’m certain I could have walked out with a $10.00 monitor.  I should write a thank you letter to Belkin in the mean time.