by ·0 Comments

I was introduced today to someone who was previously my nemesis. But now, they have a goatee where once they were clean shaven. As Star Trek has taught us, alternate universe versions of people have the opposite personally. So, I got talking with what I assumed would be the nice goateed version of the person I had previously avoided. The initial signs were good, this person had moved from marketing to product development, and had switched from using Times New Roman to Calibri (probably done automatically by Word 2007 but I’ll take what I can get). But then I began talking to him and after the word forte was pronounced “forté” and coup de grâce turned into “blow of fat” (coup de gras). I left shortly after the word irregardless was used. Maybe this doppelganger didn’t come from a universe where I’m a track star and my brother is the teetotler.

Edit: Fixed egregious spelling of goatee.

by ·0 Comments

Me: Nice handbag.
Coworker: Thanks… wait that was an insult. What’s wrong with my handbag.
Me: Well, it’s a Penthouse bag.
Coworker: Yeah, doesn’t it look nice.
Me: Do you know what Penthouse is?
Coworker: Yes…. no. *begins typing Penthouse.com into browser, SITE BLOCKED warning comes up.* Oh, no.
Me: You might now want to do that again.
Coworker: It could be something else.
Me: Maybe. *checks on iPhone, finds Penthouse Magazine. Passes to coworker* See it even has the key logo
Coworker: Where’s the key logo?
Me: Look… closer.
Coworker: Oh. Well, you’re a jerk, but a useful jerk.
Me: Thanks, I think.

The joke was on me later when a coworker asked to see my phone and Penthouse Magazine was scrawled across it.

by ·0 Comments

I started a brief project (3 months) today that consists of scanning drawings, folding them, and sorting them both digitally and physically. It’s mind numbingly boring but there are a few redeeming factors:
1) I’m paid much better than a job of this type should pay.
2) The job doesn’t follow me at home in the least, unlike camp.
3) One of the conditions of my contract was an allowance for me to wear headphones. I’ve been listening to a lot of books on tape.

After about 6 hours of this, I asked the project lead why these drawings had to be scanned before being boxed. He replied that this information was important to have to scale and that some items would be hard to produce otherwise pointing at a drawing. He picked a bad drawing to point at. It was instructions on how to make a 4″ x 4″ square out of cardboard.

by ·0 Comments

I’m briefly returning to my place of previous employ to complete a project.  I received an initial salary offer from the staffing firm that was unappetizing so asked for some time to chew on it.  I replied the next day that it was below what I wanted and I contacted the staffing firm and left a message that I was looking for more and then the employer (without telling the staffing firm) to discuss a new wage.

I talked about what I was looking for and why with my contact and he agreed to put in a new request for a bit more.

I later received a message from the staffing firm: “Hey, Terry.  This is Matt and yesterday I sensed you weren’t happy with your offering. (No shit, I said I wasn’t) So I contacted your employer (which he didn’t) and talked to their staffing director (which they don’t have) and wrestled (?) a new rate our of them that I thought you’d find more appealing.  Just wanted to know that I’m fighting for you.”

Nice to know that this firm’s going to get paid probably $4.00 for every hour I work and now more because of my work.  Thanks, douche.

by ·0 Comments

Today at 2:00 PM EDT, Steve Jobs was to hold aloft the 3G iPhone fortified with vitamin GPS, video-conferencing, MMS, cut and paste and Bluetooth and he was going to become the first man to die from the concussive blast of so many people shitting themselves in amazement.  He’d have been held aloft as a martyr of innovation, someone who like Prometheus had stolen sacred functionality from the gods and paid the price.

Instead, he has given birth to wind.   I now have to wait until July 11th for merely a step of innovation rather than a pole-vaulted leap.  Sigh…  My work and camp coworkers who’d known how thrilled I was helped me get through my loss.  Thank God for friends.

by ·0 Comments

Meetings at work have slowly become more common and the arts of foraging (taking food after a meeting) and poaching (the daring taking of food before a meeting) has returned.  Today, a meeting ended and there were about 30 cans of various colas left so I grabbed 12 or so (two in each front pocket, one in the back pocket, two each in the front pockets in my lab coat, and one in each of the other three pockets.)  I was walking back to my desk when:

George: Did you take any of the sodas from that meeting down the hall, I have a meeting in there afterwards.
Me:  I can’t lie, *looks at lab coat* no.
George: Did you at least leave the regular cokes?
Me: Yeah.  Just took the diet iced teas
George: Good, the diet gives you cancer and the tea gives you kidney stones.
Me: Worth it.

by ·0 Comments

I’ve spent most of the day watching three co-workers practically ripping their hair out over the process of selecting a spa at which to de-stress themselves.  That’s an absolutely genius business model, like having an anxiety attack choosing a therapist or being moved to tears selecting a grief counselor.

by ·3 Comments

I normally don’t revel in the failed translations of others having butchered a number of languages, but this was simply too good.  Lets see if the topic gets my own blog banned by my work’s IT guys.  Anyway, Wired.com, the intrepid reporters they are, covered a Japanese Entertainment…. yes, Entertainment convention and covered such important topics as the Raelians views on human rights.  One of the vendors had a very…. advanced product touted because of its awesome English site.  It can only be described as an Epic Fail for Babelfish (As an aside, holy shit, altavista still exists).  Want a fake marriage hole for a semi-medical purpose made by a stubborn craftsman?  Check it out!  Please note that some features are silicone while others are silicon, owww.

by ·0 Comments

Coworker: Terry, I’ve been depressed lately.
Me: Bullshit, you’re sad.  Stop abusing words.
Coworker: I’m sad, how do you overcome sadness.
Me: Unmitigated Egotism.  Sometimes arrogance.
Coworker: Can you teach me to be arrogant.
Me: *Sharp Inhale* Are you willing to treat people like crap based on fleeting interactions?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to put your self on the line by making fantastic claims that you couldn’t support but the listener couldn’t understand?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to make your family feel like Barbie Dolls inhabiting your Malibu Dream house?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Let us begin.
—Hours of Arrogance Training Later—
Me: So, despite not being me and therefore being inferior, what has your piddling brain grabbed.

  1. Superficial failings reflect deep personal inadequacies and these failings should be loudly and continually compared to one’s skills so the peon can learn from you.
  2. In that I’m better than everyone, all attributes I don’t possess are unnecessary and possibly even dangerous despite social and scientific evidence to the contrary.
  3. My shifting priorities are not a sign of inconsistency but of my ever expanding and superior understanding of the cosmos.
  4. Accepting an offer of help would allow someone to obscure my radiance during my eventual triumph.  Aid must be either unmarked or untraceable for it to be accepted.

Me: Not bad.  I would have phrased it far better but it’s a start.  You have much Ayn Rand to misread.

by ·0 Comments

Coworker: Terry, I’ve been depressed lately.
Me: Bullshit, you’re sad.  Stop abusing words.
Coworker: I’m sad, how do you overcome sadness.
Me: Unmitigated Egotism.  Sometimes arrogance.
Coworker: Can you teach me to be arrogant.
Me: *Sharp Inhale* Are you willing to treat people like crap based on fleeting interactions?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to put your self on the line by making fantastic claims that you couldn’t support but the listener couldn’t understand?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Are you willing to make your family feel like Barbie Dolls inhabiting your Malibu Dream house?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: Let us begin.
—Hours of Arrogance Training Later—
Me: So, despite not being me and therefore being inferior, what has your piddling brain grabbed.

  1. Superficial failings reflect deep personal inadequacies and these failings should be loudly and continually compared to one’s skills so the peon can learn from you.
  2. In that I’m better than everyone, all attributes I don’t possess are unnecessary and possibly even dangerous despite social and scientific evidence to the contrary.
  3. My shifting priorities are not a sign of inconsistency but of my ever expanding and superior understanding of the cosmos.
  4. Accepting an offer of help would allow someone to obscure my radiance during my eventual triumph.  Aid must be either unmarked or untraceable for it to be accepted.

Me: Not bad.  I would have phrased it far better but it’s a start.  You have much Ayn Rand to misread.