No trashbags left, time to go food shopping!  How was I rewarded for my vigilance? Inebriate bimbo check-out agent!  I begin loading the belt and she simply stares at me, like a cow at an oncoming train.  She eventually began bagging while talking to the counter person next to her.  She’d scan 3 items, stop, and then bag them and repeat a bunch of times at glacial speed.  The other bagger came over to help and stood at the end of the line waiting for the goods.  My tipsy clerk continued doing the same damn thing.

People started lining up waiting for me to finish and the agent starts asks me if I’ve “tried the Vanilla Life” cereal, to ask me this question, she completely stops scanning and makes eye contact with me until I response saying “no”, to which she says “you should try it”, I’m going to you fuck-tard that’s why I’m buying it.  From here on the rage of every shopper in Genuardi’s was directed into a laser beam of anger at this woman.  This is why automated check-out was invented.

My company makes taint-wipes!  Sure they’re called perineum cleansing towels but c’mon that’s a taint-wipe where I come from.  Sadly, there’s no cool name or slogan.  I wish to fix this:
Taintlettes: Because shitting while doing a handstand sounded good at the time.
Neum-naps: Because you’re not sure where it came from.
Taint-towels: Because your spatch is too cool for wet wipes.

I had the world’s most gut-wrenching fortune cookie.  Normally, that’d be unexceptional as I’d feed it to my dog.  But it contained an amazing fortune “you will stand over your foes on the battlefields of tomorrow”. Sun-Tzu couldn’t come up with that.  And as is common knowledge, the fortune is null and void if the cookie is not finished.  It came down to intestinal fortitude versus triumph over my enemies.  20 minutes later my training for battle began on the can.  I may not make it into work tomorrow.

At a evening snack with Dave, a tablemate was mentioning obscure TV stars she’d seen at NYU.  She seemed unimpressed that I had seen Ralph Lauren.
Me: I saw Ralph Lauren.
Her: I live in New York, I’ll see someone better.
Me: Exactly, me seeing Ralph Lauren in Philly could only be beat in comparison by you seeing Jesus as a street performer.
I win!

I was drugged today for the 3rd time in two years.  Chuck wanted to use the hot-tub and I wouldn’t let him so knowing I’d had a long and tiring day he offered me a delicious cheesecake.  I consumed and was quickly driven into a delicious sleep.  I awoke hours later to Chuck returning to Totem in his bathing suit putting my GM key on the table.  You are a wily one, Mr. Goodenough.

I may have started inter-office warfare at my dentist’s office.  I arrived for my gum cleaning and after a round of questions about my dental history that made me look downright British.  This was my second visit so the closing comments were familiar much to the anger of my dentist.
Her: Your math is like a car, if you don’t change the oil every few months…
Me: …. you’ll gunk up the engine.
Her: Oh, so I’ve told you before?
Me: No, Karen did.  Dr. Wasko.
Her: Karen?! I can’t even call her that.  And she stole my line.  She told me she thought it was dumb and now she’s using it!
I’m pretty sure I heard her say “That bitch”.  This was a poor move on my behalf as rather than having my teeth cleaned by a professionally driven dentist it was now done a rage-driven woman scorned.  I don’t remember cleanings involving that much bleeding, but I learned my lesson.

Stopping at Rita’s Water Ice after an emergency executive board meeting.  I was asked if I wanted it dipped in sprinkles (jimmies if you like them too).
Her: Sir, would you like chocolate, rainbow or both?
Me: What are you trying to say?
Her: You can have both if you like.
Me: Whoa, I don’t swing that way.  I stick with chocolate.

I had an amazing idea:
Background- After purchased ice cream with Kyle the server asked us if we wanted a brown cow.  Apparently that’s when you coat it in hard chocolate.  I thought it sounded like a sex position.
Following up on this idea, purchase ice cream served as a sex position. I see it playing out something like this:
Me: I’d like a vanilla custard in a waffle cone, served Cleveland Steamer.
Her: What?
Me: Did I stutter?  I’d like a vanilla custard in a waffle cone, served Cleveland Steamer.
Her: What’s a Cleveland Steamer?
Me: When you drizzle chocolate over the nuts.  Prude.

There was pizza at work today.  But not just pizza, but free pizza.  We haven’t had free pizza in eons since cost cutting measures were implemented.  Everyone was very excited and frantically told everyone else that there was pizza in a conference room. I went in and saw no plates so I used a piece of paper towel to hold the pizza.  No less than five people popped their head in to ask if the rumors were true, I said yes but that there weren’t any plates.  To this, every single one, put on the frowny face and walked away broken-hearted.  EACH ONE HAD AN ENGINEERING DEGREE.  These people constructed reaction vessels on napkins, but none were able to overcome the great plateless-paradox and the no-cardboard conundrum.  No wonder our share price blows.

I received the world’s least effective piece of campaign literature today.  I must add it some time.  Otherwise, I recently received a large quantity of Diet Mountain Dew in a game of chance and wished to have it with lemon along with the salads my father and I were to consume for dinner.  I stop in at Genuardi’s grab a 5-lb bag of lemons (I had a coupon!) and move to the express check-out line.  The cashier gave me a weird look like I was about to do something dastardly with my proto-lemonade.  I said “it’s a fine compliment to a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew and they were on sale. Lemons never go on sale”.  Fat white Diet Dew Guzzling Circular Reading Coupon Clipping Man flashed across her brain and I  received the “you are the loneliest man in the world look”. In hindsight I brought this on myself.

Waiting in line at Wawa to purchase my final-prep nutrient suppliments (2 hot dogs) the man behind me was rather impatient at the cashier with 4 people in front of him and began uttering shit like “boy, this line is slow” and my favorite “I never have to wait at 7-11”.  The sandwich-maker then opened a second line, calls the first person and he practically does a front hand spring to be first.  I shed a tear inside until I noticed that the otherwise competent clerk was having trouble entering the man’s items into the POS.  I’m certain it was on purpose based on the inflection in her voice and as I walked past him on the way out after he’d been delayed I flashed her a thumbs up. Way to fight arrogant prick with condescending ignorance, a necessary weapon the suburban arsenal.